helping a friend isn't always good essay

Why Helping Every Time Isn’t Always Helpful

Let’s start by acknowledging an undeniable fact: helping others is great, and we all need help at one time or another. Emotional, financial or otherwise, help from others can be life-saving . However, there are limits to how far you can go. Offering too much help can do more harm than good.

Beware of Fair-Weather Friends

We often think that extending a hand of friendship and help strengthens bonds. However, the harsh reality is that not everyone who sticks around you is genuinely interested in your well-being.

“People show their true colors, unintentionally, during difficult times. Pay attention.” — Dr. Jacinta M. Carter

The moment your well of success dries up, many of these so-called friends disappear. Be cautious, altruism doesn’t always come back around .

Helping Can Foster Dependency

Over-helping can turn into a curse rather than a blessing . If someone approaches you for financial help just because you mentioned your earnings, ask yourself, “Why?”. Because the human mind leans towards the path of least resistance .

However, easy solutions, or the abuse of easy solutions, can lead to harmful habits and, ultimately, addiction. This happens naturally and often unknowingly.

“The hand that gives is better than the one that takes.” — Unknown

If you consistently assist someone with every issue, they’ll likely return for help repeatedly. Unfortunately, they may seek assistance for trivial tasks they could easily handle themselves. This is something we’re not always aware of, especially when we’re the ones benefiting from the help.

The Illusion of Reciprocity

Another sad fact about helpers. There’s a comforting idea that helping others leads to reciprocation. Unfortunately, this notion is deceptive.

People’s priorities change, and memories are short-lived. Don’t be surprised when the aid you expect doesn’t materialize.

“Do not expect anything in return when you help someone, and you will never be disappointed.” — Unknown

Situations may arise where the tables turn, and those you’ve been helping can’t — or won’t — return the favor. Becoming less dependent on others prepares you for such moments.

I’m not saying turn your back on people, that’s not the point at all. But after my experience, I realized the importance of self-reliance. Y ou can’t control people’s actions, but you can control your own level of dependency .

Key Message: Before helping someone, consider the long-term implications, not only for the person concerned, but also for yourself. As the saying goes, you help the most deserving. Your kindness should empower, not create dependency .

If you think I’ve overlooked a downside of helping someone, feel free to point it out in the comments.

Written by Waris Dedo

Passionate about web writing and an avid reader at heart, I'm a young writer diving deep into self-improvement and finance to make sense of life's complexities

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Essay on Helping A Friend

Students are often asked to write an essay on Helping A Friend in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Helping A Friend

Understanding friendship.

Friendship is a bond between two or more people who care about each other. Friends share their joys, sorrows, dreams, and fears. They also help each other in times of need. A friend in need is a friend indeed, as the saying goes.

The Importance of Helping

Helping a friend is an important part of friendship. This can be in the form of emotional support during tough times, or practical help like assisting with homework or chores. It shows that you care about your friend and their well-being.

Ways to Help a Friend

There are many ways to help a friend. You can offer a listening ear when they want to talk, give advice when asked, or lend a helping hand with tasks. Small acts of kindness can mean a lot to a friend in need.

Benefits of Helping a Friend

Helping a friend not only benefits them, but also strengthens your friendship. It leads to trust, respect, and mutual understanding. It also gives a sense of satisfaction and happiness, knowing that you have been there for your friend.

250 Words Essay on Helping A Friend

Friendship is a bond of mutual affection and trust between two or more people. Friends are people who understand us, support us, and stand by us during good and bad times. One of the key parts of friendship is helping each other out.

Helping A Friend

Helping a friend can come in many forms. It could be helping them with their homework, sharing lunch, or even just lending a listening ear when they are feeling down. When a friend needs help, it’s important to be there for them. This strengthens the friendship bond.

Helping with Studies

One common way to help a friend is by assisting them with their studies. If your friend is struggling with a subject that you are good at, you can explain it to them in a simple way. This not only helps your friend but also improves your own understanding of the subject.

Support in Tough Times

Sometimes, friends go through tough times. They might feel sad or stressed. During these times, being there for them is very important. You can listen to their problems, reassure them, and remind them that they are not alone.

Sharing and Caring

Sharing is another way of helping a friend. If your friend forgets their lunch, you can share yours. If they need a book that you have, you can lend it to them. These small acts of kindness show that you care.

500 Words Essay on Helping A Friend

Introduction.

Helping a friend is one of the best things we can do. It shows our love and care. It makes our bond stronger. This essay will talk about why it’s important to help a friend, how we can help, and the benefits of doing so.

Why Helping a Friend is Important

Friends are like family. We share our happy times and sad times with them. When a friend is in need, it’s our duty to help. Helping a friend shows that we care about them. It tells them that they are not alone. This can give them strength and hope. It can make them feel better.

Another way to help is to give advice. If a friend is facing a problem, we can share our thoughts. We can give them ideas on how to solve the problem. But remember, we should not force our ideas on them. They have the right to make their own choices.

We can also help a friend by doing small things for them. For example, if a friend is sick, we can visit them. We can bring them food or help with their homework. If a friend is feeling low, we can cheer them up. We can tell them jokes or share funny stories.

When we help a friend, we also learn new things. For example, if we help a friend with a math problem, we might learn a new way to solve it. If we help a friend with a project, we might learn new skills.

Helping a friend can also make us stronger. It can teach us to face problems and find solutions. It can teach us to be patient and understanding. It can teach us to be better people.

In summary, helping a friend is a wonderful thing. It shows our love and care. It strengthens our friendship. It makes us feel good about ourselves. It teaches us many important lessons. So, the next time a friend needs help, let’s be there for them. Let’s show them that they can count on us. After all, that’s what friends are for.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

Apart from these, you can look at all the essays by clicking here .

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Au Café ( c 1875-77) by Edgar Degas. © The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge

How to support a struggling friend

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say or do. use these five strategies for providing effective emotional support.

by Elise Kalokerinos   + BIO

is a senior lecturer in psychology and co-director of the Functions of Emotions in Everyday Life Lab at the University of Melbourne. She studies how people manage their emotions, and the emotions of others, as they navigate their daily lives.

Edited by Christian Jarrett

Listen to this Guide.

Need to know

Your friend is devastated. She’s just lost her job and looks like she’s about to burst into tears in the middle of the busy coffee shop. You don’t know what to do. You want to help her, but what do you say in this horrible situation? How do you make her feel better right now, and how can you help her get through the tough time to come?

We’ve all been in situations like this, both big and small and everything in between: from a friend burning the food at their dinner party, to struggling with the loss of a loved one; from missing the bus to work, to enduring a marriage breakdown. Common wisdom suggests that a problem shared is a problem halved. We really want to help, yet we don’t quite have the words or the tactics. You might have felt yourself freeze in these moments, paralysed by the thought that anything you say or do could be a little awkward, or even make things worse.

Being supportive isn’t easy

Research shows that many people don’t really know what works best to help their friends effectively. Moreover, the support we do provide, such as giving advice, is often ineffective. Part of the challenge is that there are just so many possible ways to intervene. A survey of the methods that people used to manage their friends’ emotions identified 378 distinct strategies, including allowing the other person to vent their emotions, acting silly to make the other person laugh, and helping to rationalise the other person’s decisions. Given this large variety of strategies, it’s no wonder that deciding what to do when you have a friend in tears can be a little overwhelming.

Providing support is a skill that can be learned

The good news is that there are evidence-based support strategies you can learn that will help you provide more effective support to your friends. What’s more, providing support to your friends is good both for them and for you. Receiving social support from friends has benefits: in general, people who are supported tend to be more mentally and physically healthy. This might be because support from our friends and family is a strong buffer against the stress caused by tough times. Giving social support to friends also has benefits: when we support another person, it helps to strengthen our relationship with that person, and it makes us feel better (with the benefits being even greater when we feel like we’ve done a good job helping).

In this Guide, I will take you through five strategies to help you provide more effective emotional support to those who are struggling. For each strategy, I’ll give an example to help you see what this might look like in practice. These five strategies are broadly applicable but, later in the Guide, I’ll also cover some caveats to keep in mind.

Resist the urge to downplay your friend’s problems

Your friend Alex messages you, upset that he received a B in a college class. Your first impulse is to ignore the message – you think Alex is overreacting. He can handle this non-event on his own, and you don’t get why he is so upset. After a while, you figure you should respond. You write: ‘You’ll be fine, I don’t know why you’re worrying! Getting a B is pretty good and not the end of the world.’

When we think that someone is catastrophising something that (to us) is not a big deal, it can be tempting to ignore them, downplay them or be dismissive, but that would be a mistake and will likely end badly . Whatever your own take on your friend’s dilemma, it’s important to be responsive to their requests, and to prioritise trying to understand how they feel. Some studies suggest that being supportive is helpful only when we are responsive in this way. Moreover, being responsive to other people – trying to understand them, valuing their opinions and abilities, and making them feel cared for – is a cornerstone of good relationships.

So, in the above scenario with Alex, you might send a more thoughtful response, showing that you’re trying to understand how he feels: ‘I get why you’re upset, that sucks. I know you’re a hardworking and smart person, and I bet you’ll be able to get an A next time.’

In the longer term, a way to work on being more responsive and less dismissive is through setting compassionate goals. These involve focusing on supporting others, being constructive in interactions, and being understanding of others’ weaknesses. In a study with college students, people who reported setting goals that were more compassionate and less selfish had roommates who felt more supported by them. Cultivating a compassionate mindset is a useful background for all the remaining steps in this Guide.

Ask questions and really listen

You have coffee with your friend Jamie, who has just had a big argument with his partner. Your knee-jerk reaction is to think to yourself ‘Oh no, not another argument,’ to infer that Jamie is ready to leave the relationship (after all, that’s how you’d feel if you were him) and to show him that you’re on his side. You’re inclined to tell Jamie straight up that you get why he is angry, and that you agree it’s probably time to let the relationship go.

Just as playing down a friend’s problem is unwise, so too is trying to empathise too quickly, including jumping in with rapid advice. While this impulse is understandable and quite normal, it is also likely to go wrong. Although we tend to assume that we can tell how other people are thinking using our empathy, research has shown that we’re actually really bad at taking other people’s perspectives. One study , led by Tal Eyal at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, involved researchers asking people to put themselves in another’s shoes in 25 different contexts, including taking other people’s perspectives on movies, on activities, on social issues, and even on whether jokes were funny. In all these experiments, trying to take another person’s perspective didn’t work, and sometimes it even backfired.

So how might you best address the situation instead? In the research by Eyal and her colleagues, directly asking was the only thing that helped one person understand how another person felt. This suggests that in the above scenario it would be better to slow down and start by asking directly how Jamie is feeling, rather than thinking about how you might feel in a similar situation. In short, we’re not as good as we think at intuiting other people’s feelings, and it is better to ask questions and listen to the answers.

Listening well can also be a challenge, but again there is psychology research that can help. To be a more effective listener, you can begin with two easy tactics . First, be attentive to the other person, and signal that you’re listening carefully by using nonverbal signals (such as nodding and smiling) and brief phrases (such as ‘Mmhmm’ or ‘Oh really?’) Second, provide ‘scaffolding’ questions that help your friend to elaborate on their story or their feelings, such as: ‘And what happened next?’ or ‘How did you feel after that?’ This can help them feel supported and heard. These skills may seem self-evident, but they’re particularly easy to forget in the moment, as we get distracted by our phones, or inclined to hurry our friends along to get to the point of their stories.

A related technique to try is active listening , which is commonly used by therapists, and relatively simple to implement. One form of active listening involves paraphrasing what your friend is saying in your own words, which can help them feel better. For example, your friend might spend some time explaining a series of stressful events across their week, describing arguments with their spouse, a mounting workload and some worries about debt, and you might paraphrase by saying that it sounds like they are overwhelmed both at home and at work right now.

Give emotional support first, cognitive support second

Your friend Casey comes to you upset that she has lost a big client at work. You want to jump straight in and help Casey think more positively about things. You know that this client was taking up a lot of Casey’s time. So, now that client is out of the picture, Casey can do less overtime, and spend more time on new, exciting clients. This kind of reframing is likely to be helpful for Casey in the long term, but it’s not the best place to start your support.

In contrast to downplaying a friend’s problem – the first pitfall I mentioned above – helping a friend see a situation in a positive light (known as reframing) is a supportive strategy. However, it’s important that you don’t jump straight to it. In the situation with Casey, it would have been better to start things off by validating her feelings, which is a form of emotional support . Casey has come to you feeling awful, and jumping straight to discussing the bright side might leave her feeling as if you aren’t getting it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have tried to find a silver lining for Casey at all – but, rather than beginning there, better to validate and comfort Casey as she talked through the situation. Once you’d shown that you get how she feels, then you could have helped her find the bright side, which is a form of cognitive support in the sense that you’re helping your friend to think differently.

It’s important to provide both emotional and cognitive support because, although people prefer to receive and provide emotional support (and to avoid cognitive support), emotional support alone is often ineffective at making people feel better over the long term. Using emotional support first and cognitive support second makes people feel better, reaping the benefits of both approaches.

One additional concern with cognitive support is making sure that the reframe you suggest doesn’t slip into invalidating or downplaying your friend’s feelings. The dividing line here can be difficult to navigate. The key is to ensure your reframe doesn’t negate your friend’s feelings that the initial situation was upsetting. Instead, focus your reframing on unexpected upsides not yet considered, or future avenues to move past the initial problem. In the example with Casey, the aim wouldn’t be to convince her that losing her client wasn’t hard, but rather to help her find other parts of the situation that might soften that blow.

More generally, adopting the one-two punch approach of always beginning with validation is likely to help with this problem: if you begin from a perspective of validating, it’ll become more obvious to you when the reframes you provide are contradicting that validation.

Don’t take charge

Your friend Jay has a terrible boss. Jay has been struggling to deal with this for a while, and they’ve been constantly unhappy. You think Jay should quit and find another job with a better mentor, and you tell them as much.

Although you had good intentions, telling Jay straight up to quit would be a mistake. Very direct and obvious help can sometimes make people feel as if they are helpless. In research , people who received obvious and visible social support – rather than subtle, invisible social support – felt more stressed about an upcoming negative event. If your support is too directive and take-charge, it might make your friend feel like they aren’t able to handle things on their own, like a kid who needs their parent’s help to manage their problems.

Instead, it would have been better to ask Jay what they want, and how they might be able to change this situation, and then listen to them talk through their options one by one. In doing this, you provide a sounding board for Jay to take control of the situation on their own. Your aim should be to facilitate the other person’s choices, rather than dominating them. This will help them organise their thoughts and come to some solutions, without feeling like you did it for them.

Avoid venting together

Your housemate Jordan calls you to complain about your other housemate Kirby. Kirby hasn’t been doing her share of the chores, and Jordan is at the end of his patience. You too are annoyed at Kirby and, after a while, you realise that you and Jordan have been going back and forth complaining about Kirby for 10 minutes, and now you’re both feeling pretty upset.

Sympathising with a friend’s dilemma and venting together might seem like a supportive strategy that shows you’re both in the same boat and you’re happy to talk it over at length. However, this approach can go too far. In the above scenario, it’s likely to pull you and Jordan into a downward spiral of negativity.

Although I’ve discussed ways in which talking about problems with your friends can help, if taken to an extreme, it can become a problematic issue called co-rumination . This involves talking excessively with other people about problems, and constantly dwelling on those problems together without looking for solutions. Such behaviour results in both people feeling worse , with co-ruminating associated with increases in anxiety and depression over time.

How might you stop that downward spiral? The good news is that, according to researchers , simply knowing that co-rumination exists might help people avoid these kinds of negative spirals, although this has not yet been directly examined in a study. So, begin by being on the lookout. In the scenario above, once you’d identified the venting spiral, you could have pointed it out to Jordan. Distraction can interrupt that feeling of being stuck in a problem so, next, you and Jordan could have agreed to stop the discussion for a few hours, and do something that distracts you both, before coming back to figure out how to deal with the issue. At this point, you could have considered enacting the validate-and-reframe pattern I mentioned earlier (supporting such an approach, there is evidence that reframing can interrupt spirals of rumination).

Key points – How to support a struggling friend

• Being supportive isn’t easy . Many people struggle to know the right thing to say or do to help.
• Providing support is a skill you can learn . There are evidence-based strategies you can use. What’s more, providing the right kind of support is good both for your friends and for you.
• Resist the urge to downplay your friend’s problems . Instead, aim to be compassionate and responsive to how your friend is feeling.
• Ask questions and really listen . Most of us aren’t as good at empathy as we think – so find out how your friend feels and show you’re paying attention.
• Give emotional support first, cognitive support second . Validate your friend’s feelings, and only then help them to see things in a more positive light.
• Don’t take charge . Avoid being directive about your opinions; instead, encourage your friend to come up with potential solutions so they feel in control of the problem.
• Avoid venting together . Dwelling on problems with your friend without looking for a solution is known as co-rumination . Use distraction to break out of these negative spirals.

Tailoring your support

Not all supportive strategies will work in the same way for all people, cultures and situations. Now that we have good information about what works overall, researchers are starting to investigate how the optimal way to give support might vary depending on the who , where and when of the situation. Here are some of the most important findings to date:

Who: a relevant factor is the personality of the person being supported and in particular their self-esteem. In a series of studies , Denise Marigold at the University of Waterloo and her colleagues found that people with lower self-esteem benefited less from reframing and other forms of cognitive social support. As I discussed in the What to Do section above, this is the kind of support that involves positively reframing a friend’s experience (eg, ‘That terrible job interview was good practice for jobs you’ll care more about in the future’). People with lower self-esteem found this reframing cognitive support less helpful, and the people who provided the support felt worse about the interaction, themselves and their friendships more broadly. However, people with lower self-esteem were responsive to emotional support that validated their personal experiences. These findings indicate how important it is to think carefully about the personality of your friend and their preferences as you provide support.

Where: other research has investigated the role of culture in effective support. For instance, while much of the research I have discussed so far focuses on participants in Europe or the United States, crosscultural studies have demonstrated different dynamics among Asian and Asian American people. People with these backgrounds tend to request less support than Europeans and Americans because they fear that requesting too much support will strain their relationships. Perhaps as a result, whenever Asian and Asian American people have to ask for social support, they tend to find it less beneficial than any unsolicited support they receive. This suggests that, when giving support to Asian and Asian American people, it might be better to offer the support in a more subtle way, without waiting to be prompted.

Furthermore, research has demonstrated that social support may be more effective in some cultures, depending on people’s values. For instance, a study investigating Latino culture in the US found that this is characterised by familism , which values positive emotions, readily accessible social support from family, and a sense of shared obligation among community members. Among Latino participants, but not European or Asian participants, those people who more strongly endorsed familism tended to enjoy greater social support and better relationships. Related research suggests that among Latinos specifically, endorsement of familism is associated with deriving more health benefits from social support. Taken together, this work suggests that providing effective support may be particularly important in Latino communities that strongly endorse familism.

When: the role of situation in social support provision is another focus of research. One key distinction has been whether the support is given online (eg, through social media or messages) or in person. Despite the challenges involved in online interactions, studies in young people have found that providing support online can be helpful, especially for those who have less support available in person. Indeed, studies with young adults have found that support received digitally (eg, through messages and video calls) was just as helpful as face-to-face support. There tends to be some scepticism around the benefits of digital social support, but this research suggests that it may be a promising avenue, at least in young people. It’s unclear how well such studies will generalise across all age groups, but it does indicate that, if offering digital support is an available option (as is so often the case), then it is an avenue worth using. Many of the strategies discussed in this Guide are equally applicable in digital settings and can be used to support friends from afar.

Links & books

In her New York Times guide, the columnist Tara Parker-Pope discusses the research on how to be a better friend, including how to make friendships last, how to listen more effectively, and how to have better arguments.

The Psychology Podcast hosted by the cognitive scientist Scott Barry Kaufman has several episodes that are helpful to being a better friend, including one on developing emotion skills, with Marc Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and another on fostering positive relationships, with the social psychologist Sara Algoe.

The Ten Percent Happier podcast hosted by the journalist Dan Harris also has some relevant episodes, including one on making and keeping friends, with the evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar of the University of Oxford, and another that makes the case for kindness, with Dacher Keltner of the Greater Good Science Centre at the University of California, Berkeley.

In her TED talk ‘Helping Others Makes Us Happier – But It Matters How We Do It’ (2019), the psychologist Elizabeth Dunn of the University of British Columbia discusses the benefits we get from helping others, demonstrating that supporting our friends also has personal benefits.

The book The War for Kindness (2019) by the psychologist Jamil Zaki of Stanford University is excellent on the psychology of empathy. Zaki demonstrates that empathy is a skill we can develop, in order to be kinder and more supportive people.

Spirituality and religion

How to find new spiritual practices

Even if religion isn’t for you, there’s a world of rituals and tools to lift yourself up and connect to something greater

by Morgan Shipley

Emerging therapies

How to look after your emotional health

Find out which of your emotional needs you’ve been neglecting and use tips from human givens therapy to address them

by Denise Winn

How to get the most out of caregiving

Giving care is hard, but it’s one of the most meaningful things you can do. Here’s how to change up your perspective

by Elissa Strauss

Friendship and Friend’s Support Essay

• To find inspiration for your paper and overcome writer’s block
• As a source of information (ensure proper referencing)
• As a template for you assignment

Friendship is one of the most necessary and valuable things in life. After all, no person in the world can live a whole life alone. All people need communication, both for personal and spiritual growth. Without friendship, people begin to feel lonely and suffer from misunderstanding. Although there are many different people around, real friends are very hard to find and harder to keep.

Friendship is the ability to give mental warmth and provide support. It is the ability to find the right words for a friend, help in a difficult moment, and find a way out together. People around Gene understood it and expected it when his best friend needed support. It is illustrated by Dr. Stanpole’s words: “He needs that from you. He wanted especially to see you. You were the one person he asked for” (Knowles 64). Phineas himself expected support from his best friend: “He needed me. I was the least trustworthy person he had ever met. I knew that; he knew or should know that too” (Knowles, 108). However, it happens that the one you consider your friend fails and betrays in the most challenging moment. There is no desire to have anything in common, and there can be no question of further friendship after this.

Envy and suspicion have devastating consequences, even for the strongest friendship. Envy usually generates anger and resentment, unfounded claims, and objections. From all this, a wall of misunderstanding grows, and former friends are gradually separated from each other. Finney was capable of friendship, but the main character is not: “He had never been jealous of me for a second. Now I knew that never was and never could have been any rivalry between us. I was not of the same quality as the” (Knowles, 59). A wrong choice of a friend had fatal consequences for Phineas.

People have a lot of difficulties during their life path. Real friends should share both the best times and the worst. Moreover, it is necessary not only to have a friend but also to be one. Anything can happen, but a close and tested person around, can calm anybody and make feel better. No bad experiences, adversity, and other difficulties will break a person – because he or she will always have a reliable friend’s support.

Works Cited

Knowles, John. A Separate Peace. Simon and Schuster, 2014.

• Is There Friendship Between Women?
• How to Develop a Friendship: Strategies to Meet New Friends
• Robert Matthias's Religious Mission
• A Modern Approach to Phineas Taylor Barnum’s Business Model
• The Second Great Awakening
• Youth & Society Review
• Friendship: To Stay or to Leave
• The Strengths of My Best Friend Girl
• Friendship: The Meaning and Relevance
• Masculinity: True Friendships Within Men
• Chicago (A-D)
• Chicago (N-B)

IvyPanda. (2022, February 10). Friendship and Friend’s Support. https://ivypanda.com/essays/friendship-and-friends-support/

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IvyPanda . 2022. "Friendship and Friend’s Support." February 10, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/friendship-and-friends-support/.

1. IvyPanda . "Friendship and Friend’s Support." February 10, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/friendship-and-friends-support/.

Bibliography

IvyPanda . "Friendship and Friend’s Support." February 10, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/friendship-and-friends-support/.

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How to be a supportive friend

Shereen Marisol Meraji

We want to be supportive of our friends, colleagues, partners and family members when they're having a hard time. But what does that actually look like?

"Showing up is the act of bearing witness to people's joy, pain, and true selves," Rachel Wilkerson Miller writes in the first chapter of her new book, The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People . " [It's] validating their experiences; easing their load; and communicating that they are not alone in this life."

Miller walks us through the do's and don'ts of showing up for your people.

An Illustrated Guide To Showing Up For Yourself

Keep the focus on your friend.

When a friend is confiding in you, it's easy to let the focus of your conversation drift away from the friend's experience. While it's tempting to chime in with a similar story in an effort to relate and connect, it's not always welcome. Your friend might feel silenced or feel that you've made their pain about you.

If you do feel that your experience might be helpful to hear, Miller's tip is to let them know that you went through something similar but allow them to decide if they want to hear about it in the moment.

"It's the best of both worlds," she says. "You get to tell them they're not alone, but you're not going to bore them with a story about how your pet died after their sibling died. You can let them decide if these things are related or not."

Ask how you can best help

How To Give Advice: Less Fixing, More Listening

You don't need to automatically know what kind of help your friend wants. Just ask! Miller says to try these questions:

• What's the best way I can support you right now?
• Do you need someone to vent to? Or would you like my advice?
• How are you feeling about [whatever tough experience your friend is going through]?
• Tell me about your thought process. 

A heartfelt "I'm sorry" goes a long way

People may shy away from saying, "I'm sorry" in response to someone's misfortune because it might not feel like enough of an acknowledgment. But Miller says a genuine "I'm sorry" can go a long way to make your friend feel heard and validated.

"Sometimes there isn't a perfect response that is going to make people feel better," she says. "What you want to do is communicate, 'You're not alone. I'm with you. This sucks. I'm so sorry it's happening to you.' "

Lean away from clichés

Want Stronger Friendships? Pull Out Your Notepad

Platitudes like "Everything happens for a reason" aren't helpful when you're trying to comfort a friend. Resorting to clichés can make it feel like you're minimizing the friend's pain.

And stay away from statistics. For example, if a friend found out their spouse is cheating, maybe don't try to make them feel less alone by sharing that 50% of marriages end in divorce.

"Feel with your friend the bigness of what they're going through," Miller says. "Remember that just because it happens to a lot of people doesn't mean it's any less devastating."

Try not to "foist" or "fret"

In There Is No Good Card for This , a book outlining strategies for helping loved ones, the authors Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell identify two problematic kinds of helpers: foisters and fretters.

Foisters tend to push their advice — to insist on fixing or overcoming the problem. Fretters are so worried about their friend's challenges that they are preoccupied with whether they are doing enough to help.

Try to keep those behaviors in check, Miller says. "No one should have to manage you when they're going through a tragedy."

Showing up isn't a one-time thing

Grief For Beginners: 5 Things To Know About Processing Loss

Anniversaries of difficult dates can be tough. And grief is so complicated and looks different for each person. Remember that your friend might transition through several stages of sorrow, frustration or anger. Keep in touch with them and see if their needs change. "It means a lot to know that your friend is aware and thinking about you," says Miller.

We'd love to hear how you're coping during the coronavirus pandemic. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected] . Your tip could appear in an upcoming episode.

If you want more Life Kit, subscribe to our newsletter .

The audio portion of this story was produced by Sylvie Douglis, who also adapted the story for digital.

How To Make Friends

When friendships change, how to cope.

Accept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends (And Keep Them)

• Life Kit: Life Skills

How to help a friend through a tough time, according to a clinical psychologist

It can be hard to know what to say. Just show compassion.

by Kathryn Gordon

Science supports what we intuitively understand: Strong relationships enhance the quality of our lives . We have all felt our outlook brighten after a meaningful conversation and our mood sour after conflict. We have all had a bad day turn around after an afternoon of laughter and story-swapping with good friends. That’s because having social support not only boosts our mental health, research has found, it also softens the impact of stress.

Our desire to belong is so universal that psychologists have labeled it a fundamental motivational drive . Social isolation is linked to a variety of problems, including attempting suicide and premature death . Loneliness, in other words, is finally being recognized as a public health issue .

As a clinical psychologist, I provide therapy to people who have been through heart-wrenching experiences that can leave them feeling deeply alone — the death of a family member, sexual assault, domestic violence, unemployment, and other hardships. One of my top priorities as a therapist is working with patients to increase their sources of social support. Many have loved ones who are eager to help. The problem is, they may not know how to.

When we are not equipped to support loved ones through a hard time, our discomfort can compel us to point out a bright side or offer a simple solution, which may come across as dismissive. Sometimes, my patients say they walk away feeling judged or burdensome. While putting ourselves in other people’s shoes and treating people how we want to be treated are generally useful principles, they are not always the most effective ways to cultivate compassion. It is hard to imagine being in a situation that you have not actually been in, and people differ in what they find comforting.

Through years of working with therapy patients and conducting mental health research, I have found some useful approaches for comforting people in pain. These are the most effective:

Ask them how they are feeling. Then, listen non-judgmentally to their response.

The simple act of asking someone how they’re doing, with an open-ended question, shows that you care. Listen attentively rather than interrupting or offering your opinion. Ask simple follow-up questions like, “What does that feel like?” or “What has been on your mind as you’re going through this?” This communicates that you genuinely want to know how they’re doing and feel comfortable hearing the truth.

Show them that you want to understand and express sympathy.

For example, if someone is struggling with a new medical diagnosis, you can say, “It sounds like you’re most worried about the side effects of the treatment. Is that right?” If you’re speaking in person, nonverbal communication, like a concerned facial expression, is a powerful way to convey support. You can also express kindness and validation through statements such as, “I’m sad that you’re in so much pain right now,” or “You’re in such a tough situation.”

Ask how you can support them and resist jumping in to problem-solve.

As a therapist, I help patients assert their requests for emotional support to friends and family members. You can’t be expected to mindread and know what will comfort every person in every situation. Acknowledging that and asking, “How can I support you?” or “What can I do to help?” expresses a desire to assist without presuming you know what is best for them.

Check in to see if they are suicidal.

Emotional pain can feel unbearable at times, especially for people lacking support and resources. Sometimes, this leads to suicidal thoughts. If someone you care about is going through a hard time, especially if they’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, ask them directly if they are thinking about hurting or killing themselves. You may feel uncomfortable bringing it up, but research shows that asking about suicide is unlikely to harm people and may benefit them. It opens opportunities to share mental health resources, like the Crisis Text Line or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline . It’s also helpful to talk about a plan for safety, including reducing access to firearms and other lethal means.

Reassure them, realistically.

Statements like “Everything will be fine,” “It could be worse,” or “You just need to stop thinking that way,” often lead people to feel ashamed for expressing pain, and rarely set them on a better path. Instead, try saying things like, “There’s help available; we’ll find it together,” “A lot of people love you. You don’t have to get through this alone,” or “I’ve seen you get through extremely challenging times in the past, I believe in you.”

There’s no perfect thing to say in the most difficult situations, but we can support each other by opening dialogue, expressing compassion, and listening with the goal of understanding. Though sometimes hard to initiate, these conversations are the ones that strengthen our relationships. They make us feel we have a place to turn the next time the world feels lonely and dark.

Kathryn Gordon, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist living in North Dakota. She is writing The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook: Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Skills to Reduce Emotional Pain, Increase Hope, and Prevent Suicide for New Harbinger. You can follow her on Twitter .

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Relationships

Listen rather than offering advice.

It can be tough to know exactly what to do when a friend is going through a crisis. Whether they're going through a breakup , a death in their family, a health issue, or something else entirely, you'll want to give them as much support as possible. But the right words don't always come to mind. Even when you're trying to help, it can feel like you're getting it all wrong.

It's important not to judge yourself for being a bit unsure of what to say in these moments. "It can often feel intimidating or uncomfortable," Allie Friedmann, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, tells Bustle. People can isolate themselves during tough times, Friedmann says, or cope differently than you might have predicated, which further complicates the issue.

"When trying to help a friend , it is important to meet that friend where [they are]," Friedmann says. "You may want to solve the problem or want your friend's negative feelings to go away, but if [they are] not ready, then your efforts could feel like an attack or dismissal, rather than supportive."

Here’s how to support a friend going through a difficult time, according to experts.

1 Offer To Hang Out

If you don't know what to do or say, start by hanging out. "Just being there, without expectation or distraction, means a lot," Rev. Connie L. Habash, MA, LMFT , a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. "Many people don’t take the time to simply be present with each other, even if it’s just washing dishes together, taking a walk, or hanging out on the couch."

It's so simple yet so effective. Give them your attention, Habash says, and they will feel valued, loved, and cared for.

2 Be There & Listen

If you're trying to give advice and coming up empty, that's actually OK. "When someone we love is going through pain and sorrow, we feel pressure to have to say something, to come up with a way to make them feel better ," Habash says. But often it's best to just listen and let them express themselves.

"They need to know that you can tolerate being with them in their pain, and that someone understands what they’re going through," Habash says.

3 Save The Advice For Later

In the same vein, resist the urge to offer advice or find solutions to their problems, Friedmann says, unless they want that.

"Listen first, with curiosity and without judgment," she suggests. "It is uncomfortable to sit with people's negative emotions, but offering solutions without being asked can often feel like you are dismissing [their] feelings, rather than creating a space for them to experience what it is that's hurting them."

Not to mention, things like breakups and deaths can't be fixed. "Showing we care enough to listen without an agenda," Friedmann says, "is how we can support friends going through these experiences."

4 Validate Their Feelings

One way to respond without offering advice is by validating their feelings. If they tell you about their problem and say they're scared, Friedmann says, try responding with, "That is so hard and scary. It makes so much sense why you feel this way given what's going on. I'm here to listen."

There are lots of ways you can be a better listener to your friend. Try reflecting back what's been said by offering a quick recap of what they've shared so far, in a natural way. "Reflection and summary help convey to your friend that you are both listening and hearing what [they are] saying," Friedmann says.

5 Avoid Using Clichés

There's lots of advice out there that sounds good but isn't actually very helpful, which is why it's often best to simply say, "I don't know what to say" if you're at a loss, Salina Schmidgall, M.Ed, PLPC, NCC , a national certified counselor, tells Bustle.

It's refreshing and better than falling back on a tired cliché like, "There are plenty of fish in the sea" or "It's all going to be OK," Schmidgall says.

6 Run Errands For Them

If your friend is busy dealing with a crisis, offering to help with their everyday chores can come as a huge relief.

"Doing the laundry or running to the grocery store for [them] may ease up their stress and make it easier to deal with their troubles," Habash says. "It will also convey how much you care about them." Send a quick text and see if they need anything, or choose a time to stop by with a few grocery staples. It's a good way to show you care.

7 Ask How You Can Help

If you're unsure how to support a friend, ask what they'd prefer.

"Oftentimes when we help a friend who is going through a crisis [...] we tend to care and support them in a way that we would want to be cared for and supported," Dr. Holly N. Sawyer, PhD, MS, LPC, NCC, CAADC , a licensed psychotherapist with Life First Therapy, LLC, tells Bustle. But they may want something entirely different.

While you may need to vent and cry, they may crave a little time alone, or vice versa. Focus on who your friend is as a person, and cater your response to them. If they aren't sure what they need, it's best not to force them to do something, even if it seems like it would help. Being there is enough, Sawyer says.

8 Keep Checking In

If you haven't heard from your friend, don't hesitate to send a text to find out how they are. And keep doing so, possibly even longer than seems necessary.

"We shouldn’t be scared to check in with our friend and simply ask if they want to talk about it or not," Vicki Smith, LPC , a licensed professional counselor and psychotherapist, tells Bustle. Sometimes people need to talk about their feelings for months, Smith says.

But don't push them to talk if they don't want to. "If we push, the person goes into their shell like a turtle or snaps at us to back off," Smith says. "That is simply a signal they aren’t ready. But it doesn’t hurt to keep showing them you are there when they are ready."

9 Ask Open-Ended Questions

Another way to find out what they need is by asking open-ended questions, Friedmann says. This will create space for them to share how they're feeling and let you know what they need.

It can also be comforting, if they're OK with it, to use non-verbal body language while you're chatting in order to convey care, Friedmann says. Think about placing your arm on their shoulder, offering a hug, or sitting close to them on the couch.

10 Take Care Of Yourself

There are a lot of nice things to do for a friend going through a hard time. However, sometimes this leads into you neglecting your own needs, which doesn’t help anyone.

“It may sound counterintuitive when someone you love is struggling, but they need to know you're alright,” Nicole Richardson, LPC-S, LMFT-S , licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. As she point out, when you’re on an airplane, they tell you in an emergency to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. “When someone you care about is struggling, taking care of yourself allows the person who is struggling to get your best, which is what they need,” says Richardson.

11 Leave Space For Joy

Depending on the situation your friend is going through, it doesn’t have to be all straight-faced seriousness 24/7. Sometimes a little lighthearted distraction is all a person needs to lift their spirits, even if only for a moment.

“Even in the darkest times, there are opportunities for laughter and light,” offers Richardson. “It's OK to tell a joke or be silly sometimes. If your friend isn't ready to laugh, that's OK — they just aren't ready yet.” What’s important is that you’re there for them, and making them smile will come along eventually.

12 Get Moving With Them

Ever go on one of those “mental health walks” TikTok loves so much (“going on a silly little walk for my silly mental health”)? Taking a second to get outside and clear your head can do wonders for the psyche.

“When someone is suffering, it can be important to move around and get some air,” says Richardson. “Offer to go for a walk with them or even a long drive. Fresh air and sunlight can be powerful reminders of life, especially if you can get in nature.” If they’re feeling really down, your friend might not want to initiate a walk or a drive — that’s why it’s important to have an encouraging friend (aka you) who can help motivate them to get up and going.

There's no right answer when it comes to helping a friend in crisis. But you can certainly show how much you care by finding ways to be there for them.

Allie Friedmann, LCSW , licensed clinical social worker and therapist

Rev. Connie L. Habash, MA, LMFT , licensed marriage and family therapist

Salina Schmidgall, M.Ed, PLPC, NCC , national certified counselor

Dr. Holly N. Sawyer, PhD, MS, LPC, NCC, CAADC , licensed psychotherapist with Life First Therapy, LLC

Vicki Smith, LPC , licensed professional counselor and psychotherapist

Nicole Richardson, LPC-S, LMFT-S , licensed marriage and family therapist

This article was originally published on Feb. 22, 2020

Helping a Friend 

Friendships are one of the most valuable relationships we have and they are essential in protecting our mental health. We care about our friends and we love them, even through annoyances and fights. But friendship is more than just laughter and having fun, it is about actually trying to be a good friend. One of the most important ways to be a good friend is to help them when you notice something is wrong. It may sound like a big responsibility, but it doesn’t have to be.   

The first thing in knowing if something is wrong is to notice the signs. It is normal to get sad or upset during tough times, but prolonged periods of this can mean that there is something more serious happening. Some signs to look for are: self-harm, severe mood swings, refusing to eat food, repeated use of alcohol or drugs, drastic changes in behavior, extreme difficulty concentrating, or talking of suicide.   

Once you notice that there is something wrong, the next step is to let them know that you’re concerned and that you care. Saying things like, “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately, is something going on?” is especially helpful. Make sure that you are being compassionate, understanding, and free of judgement. Your friend might not respond to your questions and that is okay, they might just not be ready to talk yet. You cannot force someone to get help so just offer your support. You can even ask things like, “ How can I best support you right now?, or “ Would you like me to go with you to a support group or a meeting?” Let them know you are there.   

Lastly, do what you can to keep them in your life. Text or call your friend regularly, and invite them in your plans, even if they do not always go. Try to learn more about mental health so you can better understand what your friend is going through. Remember not to say dismissive language like, “ You’ll get over it”, or “Toughen up,” as it doesn’t help anyone feel any better.  

If your friend is experiencing a mental health condition, this is the time they need you the most. Sometimes your friend may be too afraid to seek help or say anything. This is where you can come in. A simple conversation can be extremely therapeutic and can make a huge difference in someone’s life. After all, wouldn't you want the same for you?  

Written by: Alessandra Merino  

NAMI. (n.d.). How to Help a Friend. Retrieved from https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Teens-Young-Adults/How-to-Help-a-Friend  

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Home — Essay Samples — Sociology — Friendship — The Importance of Friendship: Ways to Nurture and Strengthen Relationships

The Importance of Friendship: Ways to Nurture and Strengthen Relationships

• Categories: Friendship

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Published: Feb 7, 2024

Words: 873 | Pages: 2 | 5 min read

Table of contents

Definition of friendship, discuss the importance of friendship in people's lives, mention different types of friends, characteristics of a good friend, benefits of friendship, challenges in maintaining a friendship, ways to nurture and strengthen friendships.

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Essays About Friendships: Top 6 Examples and 8 Prompts

Friendships are one of life’s greatest gifts. To write a friendship essay, make this guide your best friend with its essays about friendships plus prompts.

Every lasting relationship starts with a profound friendship. The foundations that keep meaningful friendships intact are mutual respect, love, laughter, and great conversations. Our most important friendships can support us in our most trying times. They can also influence our life for the better or, the worse, depending on the kind of friends we choose to keep. 

As such, at an early age, we are encouraged to choose friends who can promote a healthy, happy and productive life. However, preserving our treasured friendships is a lifelong process that requires investments in time and effort.

6 Informative Essay Examples

1. the limits of friendships by maria konnikova, 2. friendship by ralph waldo emerson, 3. don’t confuse friendships and business relationships by jerry acuff, 4. a 40-year friendship forged by the challenges of busing by thomas maffai, 5. how people with autism forge friendships by lydia denworth, 6.  friendships are facing new challenges thanks to the crazy cost of living by habiba katsha , 1. the importance of friendship in early childhood development, 2. what makes a healthy friendship, 3. friendships that turn into romance, 4. long-distance friendship with social media, 5. dealing with a toxic friendship, 6. friendship in the workplace, 7. greatest friendships in literature, 8. friendships according to aristotle .

…”[W]ithout investing the face-to-face time, we lack deeper connections to them, and the time we invest in superficial relationships comes at the expense of more profound ones.”

Social media is challenging the Dunbar number, proving that our number of casual friends runs to an average of 150. But as we expand our social base through social media, experts raise concerns about its effect on our social skills, which effectively develop through physical interaction.

“Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness, that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party.”

The influential American essayist Emerson unravels the mysteries behind the divine affinity that binds a friendship while laying down the rules and requirements needed to preserve the fellowship. To Emerson, friendship should allow a certain balance between agreement and disagreement. You might also be interested in these articles about best friends .

“Being friendly in business is necessary but friendships in business aren’t. That’s an important concept. We can have a valuable business relationship without friendship. Unfortunately, many mistakenly believe that the first step to building a business relationship is to develop a friendship.”

This essay differentiates friends from business partners. Using an anecdote, the essay warns against investing too much emotion and time in building friendships with business partners or customers, as such an approach may be futile in increasing sales.

“As racial tensions mounted around them, Drummer and Linehan developed a close connection—one that bridged their own racial differences and has endured more than four decades of evolving racial dynamics within Boston’s schools. Their friendship als­o served as a public symbol of racial solidarity at a time when their students desperately needed one.”

At a time when racial discrimination is at its highest, the author highlights a friendship they built and strengthened at the height of tensions during racial desegregation. This friendship proves that powerful interracial friendships can still be forged and separate from the politics of race.

“…15-year-old Massina Commesso worries a lot about friendship and feeling included. For much of her childhood, Massina had a neurotypical best friend… But as they entered high school, the other friend pulled away, apparently out of embarrassment over some of Massina’s behavior.”

Research debunks the myth that people with autism naturally detest interaction — evidence suggests the opposite. Now, research is shedding more light on the unique social skills of people with autism, enabling society to find ways to help them find true friendships. 

“The cost of living crisis is affecting nearly everyone, with petrol, food and electricity prices all rising. So understandably, it’s having an impact on our friendships too.”

People are now more reluctant to dine out with friends due to the rapidly rising living costs. Friendships are being tested as friends need to adjust to these new financial realities and be more creative in cultivating friendships through lower-cost get-togethers.

8 Topic Prompts on Essays About Friendships

More than giving a sense of belonging, friendships help children learn to share and resolve conflicts. First, find existing research linking the capability to make and keep friends to one’s social, intellectual, and emotional development. 

Then, write down what schools and households can do to reinforce children’s people skills. Here, you can also tackle how they can help children with learning, communication, or behavioral difficulties build friendships, given how their conditions interfere with their capabilities and interactions. 

As with plants, healthy friendships thrive on fertile soil. In this essay, list the qualities that make “fertile soil” and explain how these can grow the seeds of healthy friendships. Some examples include mutual respect and the setting of boundaries. 

Then, write down how you should water and tend to your dearest friendships to ensure that it thrives in your garden of life. You can also discuss your healthy friendships and detail how these have unlocked the best version of yourself. 

Marrying your best friend is a romance story that makes everyone fall in love. However, opening up about your feelings for your best friend is risky. For this prompt, collate stories of people who boldly made the first step in taking their friendship to a new level.

Hold interviews to gather data and ask them the biggest lesson they learned and what they can share to help others struggling with their emotions for their best friend. Also, don’t forget to cite relevant data, such as this study that shows several romantic relationships started as friendships. 

It’s challenging to sustain a long-distance friendship. But many believe that social media has narrowed that distance through an online connection. In your essay, explain the benefits social media has offered in reinforcing long-distance friendships. 

Determine if these virtual connections suffice to keep the depth of friendships. Make sure to use studies to support your argument. You can also cite studies with contrasting findings to give readers a holistic view of the situation.

It could be heartbreaking to feel that your friend is gradually becoming a foe. In this essay, help your readers through this complicated situation with their frenemies by pointing out red flags that signal the need to sever ties with a friend. Help them assess when they should try saving the friendship and when they should walk away. Add a trivial touch to your essay by briefly explaining the origins of the term “frenemies” and what events reinforced its use. 

We all know that there is inevitable competition in the workplace. Added to this are the tensions between managers and employees. So can genuine friendships thrive in a workplace? To answer this, turn to the wealth of experience and insights of long-time managers and human resource experts. 

First, describe the benefits of fostering friendships in the workplace, such as a deeper connection in working toward shared goals, as well as the impediments, such as inherent competition among colleagues. Then, dig for case studies that prove or disprove the relevance and possibility of having real friends at work.

Whether it be the destructive duo like Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, or the hardworking pair of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, focus on a literary friendship that you believe is the ultimate model of friendship goals. 

Narrate how the characters met and the progression of their interactions toward becoming a friendship. Then, describe the nature of the friendship and what factors keep it together. 

In Book VIII of his Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle writes about three kinds of friendships: pleasure, utility, and virtue. Dive deeper into the Greek philosopher’s mind and attempt to differentiate his three types of friendships. 

Point out ideas he articulated most accurately about friendship and parts you disagree with. For one, Aristotle refutes the concept that friendships are necessarily built on likeness alone, hence his classification of friendships. Do you share his sentiments? 

Read our Grammarly review before you submit your essay to make sure it is error-free! Tip: If writing an essay sounds like a lot of work, simplify it. Write a simple 5 paragraph essay instead.

How to support a friend or family member who’s struggling with their mental health

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Every one of us has mental health in the same way that every one of us has physical health. Yet despite the prevalence of mental health struggles, there is still so much stigma around them. Worldwide the leading cause of disability is depression, according to the World Health Organization, and in the US alone, nearly 1 in 5 of adults lives with a mental illness.

As a mental health therapist-in-training and the founder of Brown Girl Therapy , the largest mental health community for children of immigrants living in the West, I regularly get asked this question: “How can I support a loved one who is struggling with their mental health?” With the multiple crises we’re currently living through, it can feel like more and more people we know are currently hurting.

Maybe you’ve noticed that a friend’s behavior or demeanor has changed and you’re concerned, or a family member is opening up to you for the first time about their anxiety. I know it’s challenging to know what to say or do. Here are eight things that you can do and eight things you should not do when you’re supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.

First, the dos: 

DO listen and validate

Be curious about what your friend is struggling with and how it’s impacting them. Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, ask open-ended questions to allow them to share their experience with you — questions like “What’s going on?” or “How long have you been experiencing this?” or “How are you coping?”

When they respond, use validating statements that will help them feel heard and accepted just as they are. Many people who struggle with their mental health may often blame or judge  themselves about what they’re going through; some may feel that their struggles aren’t valid because they’re all “in their head.”

Even if you can’t completely understand or relate to their feelings or experiences, you want to communicate to your loved one that they’re perfectly OK — — this can be as simple as saying “That sounds really difficult”.

Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs.

DO ask what they need from you

Instead of making assumptions about what would be helpful to your loved one, ask them directly: “How can I support you?” or “What would be helpful to you right now?” Remember: Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs when they’re having a hard time.

DO offer to help with everyday tasks

A lot of people who struggle with their mental health may find it incredibly difficult to make basic decisions or perform even seemingly small chores. Instead of using the generic phrase “I’m here if you need me,” try to be specific about what you’re offering so your friend won’t have to bear the burden of reaching out or figuring out what they need in the first place.

If you visit them, take a look around and see what they could use assistance with — like doing the dishes, weeding, vacuuming or folding laundry. If you talk to them, offer to take them to a doctor’s appointment or do a grocery or drugstore run for them; you might also consider sending them a gift card for their meals.

DO celebrate their wins, including the small ones 

When a person is struggling with their mental health, every day can be full of challenges. So cheer on their accomplishments and victories. This can help affirm their feelings of agency and efficacy. This could look like thanking them for being so honest and vulnerable with you or  congratulating them for going to work or for taking their dog out for regular walks.

Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space.

DO read up on what they’re struggling with

There’s another important burden you can remove from their plate: Having to teach you about mental illness. Instead, take the time to educate yourself on what they’re going through — for example, learning more about depression, panic attacks or anxiety — so you can understand their lived experience and be aware of severe or risky behaviors or symptoms to look out for.

Today, there are so many places online to find informative, helpful content, from peer-reviewed journals and articles by mental health professionals to posts in digital communities and personal essays by people who share in your loved one’s mental-health challenges.

DO check in with them regularly 

Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space. Consistently check in (a quick text is fine) with them, keep them company when you can, and remind your friend that you love them and you’re on their side.

DO recognize that not all mental health struggles look the same

Not all mental health challenges or mental illnesses look the same. Some people might struggle as the result of a specific event or circumstance, while other people may be living with a chronic mental illness. If the latter is true for your loved one, don’t expect them to “get over” it as they would with a flu or broken bone.

Meet them where they are, reminding them you understand it’s something they are living with. This can take different forms depending on what they need — this could mean understanding when they cancel plans on you because they’re having a particularly tough day or adapting your plans with them to reflect what they’re able to do.

It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it just like we’d talk about going to a physician for a physical illness.

DO normalize talking about mental health

Don’t wait for them to bring up their struggles, or shy away from being direct with them. It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it in the same way we’d talk about going to a physician or taking medication for a physical illness. You might even consider opening up and being vulnerable when talking about your own mental health so instead of feeling judged, your loved one feels safe being honest with you.

Now, the don’ts:  

DON’T compare their experience to others

I really want to drive one point home: Everyone experiences their mental health struggles and mental health illnesses differently. In the guise of trying to make a loved one feel better, you may be tempted to tell them “everyone deals with anxiety [or depression etc] sometimes” or bring up an acquaintance who had the same illness but benefited from a specific strategy, treatment or therapy.

Resist this temptation. Even though saying those things can be helpful in terms of normalizing their experience and making them feel less alone, they can also have the unintended effect of pressuring them to get over it or minimize what they’re feeling.

Another thing to avoid — reminding them of what they have or should be grateful for. Toxic positivity and comparison to others can reinforce the narrative that your loved one’s problems aren’t important.

Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or saying things like “that’s so OCD” or “take a Xanax”

DON’T use stigmatizing language 

Be careful how you talk about mental health around your friend (and in general!). Avoid using stigmatizing words  like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or using clinical diagnoses or medications flippantly in conversation — like saying “that’s so OCD” when someone is very organized or telling someone to “take a Xanax” when you want them to calm down. Check your own assumptions surrounding mental health issues, professional mental health care and medication so you aren’t causing your loved one unnecessary pain.

DON’T take their behavior personally

People’s mental health struggles are often not linear or predictable. Maybe your friend is less talkative one day, and maybe your sister keeps rescheduling your phone dates. While you may feel hurt or offended by their actions, don’t automatically assume that they are reflections of how your loved one feels about you.

Instead, use their cues as moments to check in on them, ask what you can do to support them, and remind them that you’re here for them when and if they need.

You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them.

DON’T be confrontational or try to control the situation

When you’re faced with a loved one in pain or distress, it can be really difficult not to get in the metaphorical driver’s seat and forcefully do what you think will relieve their suffering. But in doing this, you’re diminishing their sense of agency. You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them. So don’t be aggressive about what they should or shouldn’t do, and don’t give them ultimatums.

DON’T get discouraged

You may feel helpless when you’re helping and supporting a loved one who is struggling, and you don’t see them making progress. Just because you feel helpless doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful. Your loved one does not expect you to find them the magic solution or to be perfect; instead, they just need you to be present.

DON’T burn yourself out trying to support your loved one

The better you take care of yourself, the better you can be of support to your loved one. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself, doing the things you love and recharging your own batteries while being there for your loved one. Be clear and direct about your boundaries, and find ways to honor what you need to do in order to be able to show up for them.

People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed.

DON’T try to fix them

People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed. By jumping in with solutions and advice when they don’t explicitly ask for it, you’re sending them the message that what they’re going through is wrong or bad when in fact you are projecting your own discomfort with what they’re going through. Realize that your impulse to dive into a fix-it mode can actually be a coping mechanism to ease and absolve your own discomfort or anxiety. Which brings me to my next point …

DON’T avoid the feelings that come up for you

When we see our loved ones grappling with something difficult, chronic or hard to comprehend, it can often bring up our own difficult feelings and our own discomfort or anxiety. When this happens, it’s important not to shove that stuff under the rug. Spend time reflecting on what’s coming up for you.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you anxious because you’re scared of what’s going to happen to your loved one? Are you avoiding them because you feel helpless? Are you carrying around your own biases or stigmas around mental illness? Are you on edge because you’re resentful, burned out or just plain confused?

It’s important to get clarity on what’s coming up for you and why, so you can take care of yourself and still be there for your friend. Don’t be ashamed if you find that you could use some support or professional care. One great US-based resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness , which hosts free support groups for people who love someone that’s struggling with their mental health.

Watch Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s TED Conversation now:

About the author

Sahaj Kaur Kohli is the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the first and largest mental health and wellness community of its kind for children of immigrants living in the West, where she works to promote bicultural identity and destigmatize therapy. She is also currently pursuing her master’s in clinical mental health counseling. Kohli's passion lies at the intersection of narrative storytelling and mental health advocacy. A former journalist, she is currently working on a book to be published by Penguin Life. 

• mental health
• mental illness
• relationships
• sahaj kaur kohli
• society and culture

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How to support a friend with mental health challenges.

While still taking care of yourself

Writer: Katherine Martinelli

Clinical Expert: Lindsay Macchia, PhD

What You'll Learn

• How can you help a friend who is struggling?
• What are the right things to say and do?
• How do you know when to get an adult involved?

The teenage years are when a lot of mental health problems show up. And teens tend to turn to their friends rather than parents for support.

You can help by just listening and saying something like: “That sounds really hard.” Listening is an important way to show that you care.

Sometimes getting your friend involved in something social and fun can help. This is especially true if your friend is going through something like a breakup. Being with other people instead of alone is good for them. But they may be too depressed to join in when you ask, and that’s okay too. Just keep asking.

If their feelings of depression or anxiety go on for weeks, it may be time to tell your parents or theirs. That’s hard to do if you feel like you’re going behind your friend’s back. But if you think they’ve got an eating disorder or another serious problem, then they need more help than you can give. And if they start talking about hurting themselves or dying, you need to tell an adult right away.

Sometimes friends who are hurting ask too much without even knowing it. It’s not your job to be there for them 24/7. And you don’t have to feel guilty if things in your life are good. If the stress of helping your friend is making you depressed or anxious, that’s a big sign that an adult needs to step in.

We rely on our friends for a lot of things, and that definitely includes providing emotional support when things are difficult. So it makes sense that teenagers struggling with mental health challenges would turn to their friends to vent, unload, and ask for backup.

But it can be difficult to figure out when a friend who is feeling down or anxious is just moody and when it’s something more. It’s hard to know when all you need to do is listen, when to say something, and what to say. It’s especially hard to decide when you should bring it to the attention of an adult, and how to do that without breaking your friend’s trust.

Depression and bipolar disorder affect nearly 15 percent of teens and one in three teens will meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder by the time they’re 18, so negative feelings, when they last a long time or are overwhelming, are nothing to be dismissive of.

“I have a number of students who come to me and the presenting problem of the day might not be their own symptoms,” says Lindsay Macchia , PhD, an associate psychologist  at the Child Mind Institute. “It really is impacting them so much to have to feel responsible for their friends as well.”

Dr. Macchia says that this can take on different forms, from a friend going through a bad breakup to a conflict among friends to self-harm or even suicidal ideation . She says that young adults often need an emotional outlet but aren’t comfortable going to adults. “Rather than going to a parent who they think might get upset or scared,” she explains, “they turn to their friend instead.”

How to be a good friend to someone who is struggling

Validate what they’re saying. People want to feel heard, especially when they are struggling with difficult emotions or experiences that might make them feel very alone. You don’t have to pretend you are feeling the same way as your friend. Just listening non-judgmentally and saying, “That sounds hard” can help. “Validation communicates to another person that their emotions make sense given the context they are in,” explains Dr. Macchia. “Even if you have never been in that particular situation or felt an emotion quite as strongly, validating your friend shows that this is not an ‘overreaction’ or an ‘underreaction.’ It is how they feel and that is perfectly acceptable. ”

Ask how you can help. It shows you care, and helps take some of the guesswork away. What your friend has to say might surprise you. If they don’t have an answer ready, asking might encourage them to start thinking proactively.

Be understanding of their limitations. For example, if your friend is depressed, don’t expect them to go out with you every time you invite them. But do keep asking, and let them know that their company is valued.

Don’t gossip. It is often very difficult for people to open up about mental health challenges. If a friend confides in you, respect their trust and don’t share more than they would want. Know that it is okay to go to an adult for help if your friend needs it, however.

Change the subject . Listening is important, but sometimes so is providing some welcome distraction. All of your conversations don’t need to be about your friend’s mental health. Sharing what is going on with your life, talking about something you’re both interested in, or taking a break and going for a walk or doing yoga together might make them feel good.

“Engaging in positive, pleasant activities (even when your friend may not be sure they want to!) can boost their mood as well,” notes Dr. Macchia. “Whether anxiety, depression, or another emotion is causing your friend to want to withdraw, getting them to participate in energizing or fun activities is a great way to support them.”

What you don’t need to do:

• Be available 24/7
• Put yourself in danger to watch over your friend
• Feel guilty if things are going well for you
• Stay in a relationship that’s no longer working for you

Remember that you are never solely responsible for another person’s mental health. You might feel responsible, and your friend might even be making you feel like you are the only one who understands and can help, but that isn’t true. There are professionals who have been trained in helping people with mental health challenges, and sometimes as a friend the best thing you can do is step back so that your friend can start getting help from one of them.

One final note on this subject: If a friend (or romantic partner or ex) is threatening to hurt themselve s or you because of something that you do, immediately tell an adult. You can’t provide the assistance that they need, even if you want to.

When to turn to an adult

If you have a friend unloading some heavy stuff on you, it can be tricky to know when it might be time to turn to an adult — whether it’s a school counselor or a parent — for support. As a rule, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Dr. Macchia says to look for a few signs:

• If there are any concerns about safety whatsoever, go to an adult. If your friend is hurting themselves, talking about hurting themselves, or showing signs that they might hurt others, then it’s important to seek help.
• If you believe a friend has developed an eating disorder , it’s urgent that they get help, because eating disorders are a serious health threat, and the longer you have one, the harder it is to recover.
• If a friend seems to be experiencing a psychotic break — they have hallucinations or beliefs that aren’t realistic — they need help immediately , before they hurt themselves.
• If the situation feels more adult than you should be dealing with, it’s probably time to consult a grown-up. “Any sort of gut feeling, any reaction you have that this doesn’t feel right, I might be too young for this information — or maybe there should be another person here who should be taking a part of this responsibility — then it’s important to go to someone at school or directly to the teen’s parents,” says Dr. Macchia.
• If your mental health is being impacted by the weight of this friendship then you should talk to an adult. Whether you feel increased anxiety , are showing signs of depression , or are considering self-harm yourself, it’s definitely time to get help for both yourself and your friend.

How to get help without betraying your friend

One of the biggest barriers to seeking help can be a fear of betraying a friend who has trusted you with sensitive information. “There’s a way to go about it without tattling,” assures Dr. Macchia. “It’s all about openness and honesty.” Some things to keep in mind as you broach the subject with your friend:

• Share why you feel it’s time to bring in a grown-up. Let them know why you are concerned, and that you feel it’s time to seek additional support — because you care.
• Depending on the situation, Dr. Macchia says it might be helpful or appropriate to offer to be there for the conversation with the adult. “I don’t want teens to ever feel like they have to do this,” reiterates Dr. Macchia, “but depending on the case they may say I feel like I can support my friend and also be a buffer and have that conversation as well.”

Dr. Macchia notes that it may be especially tricky if your friend with mental health challenges asks you not to tell an adult, even after you have explained your concerns and reasoning for wanting to. “This can be extremely tough, and of course you would want to preserve your friendship as best as you can,” she says. “That being said, however, your friend’s safety and wellbeing comes first.”

If you are having a hard time, Dr. Macchia recommends trying some self-validation. “Remind yourself that it makes sense to feel worried about your friend’s reaction to you telling an adult, and yet you are doing what you feel is best for them, for yourself, and for your relationship in the long run,” she says.

The importance of self-care

It’s easy to get caught up in a friend’s problems, but there’s a fine line between being a supportive pal and it going too far. If you’ve become “parentified,” as Dr. Macchia says, or feel like you’re a therapist, it may have crossed a line; it can feel a crushing amount of responsibility.

“On one hand is concern and worry and sadness about what’s going on in your friend’s life,”  says Dr. Macchia, “but also there can be an impact in terms of taking on another person’s symptoms as well.” You might find yourself adopting some of their feelings or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Whether you are the sounding board for some serious stuff or are just on the receiving end of a lot of drama, it can be wearing, so it’s important to make time for self-care. If you are feeling symptoms of anxiety, depression, are withdrawing from activities you usually enjoy, or are thinking of harming yourself, it’s worth seeking professional help. You can speak confidentially about what’s going on and your clinician can help guide you and share helpful coping skills. Talking to your parents can also be helpful.

Most importantly, Dr. Macchia advises teens to “turn your attention to things that bring you joy.” She says if you love dancing, then keep dancing. Things like yoga, going for a run, getting a massage, or even shopping are all contenders for self-care — whatever makes you happy.

Because in the end it’s important to be a good friend, but if you’re not taking care of yourself it’s hard to take care of anyone else.

Frequently Asked Questions

You can support someone with mental health challenges by validating what they say when they confide in you, asking them how you can help, understanding their limitations, and providing distractions when they need it.

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The Pros and Cons of Giving a Friend Advice

Is it ok with you if you share a great idea and they ignore it.

Posted September 19, 2016

“I used to think you should tell a friend what you think. But now I don’t think that’s true." — Luann*, a 34 year-old dental hygiene assistant “I hope my friends will tell me what they think. If not, they aren’t very good friends at all.” — James*, a 29-year-old project manager “I give my friends advice and they give me advice. That doesn’t mean any of us take it.” — Marti, a 40-year-old banker

Whether you give advice as a matter of course, or you think carefully about everything you say, giving and taking advice from a friend is almost never simple. It's complicated because, for one thing, we don’t always know everything that’s actually going on in another person’s life, no matter how close we might be. Luann, for example, told me that she was never giving advice again because she was so tired of all of the unwanted and useless advice that her friends give her:

“They all want me to leave my husband. And I understand. I complain all the time about the things he does and doesn’t do. But what nobody seems to get is that I just need to let off steam. He’s really a good person, as irritating as he is. And he’s a perfect partner for me. I’m a person who needs a lot of space, and he’s more than happy to give it to me because he needs it, too. But sometimes we don’t need it at the same time. Sometimes he wants to be with me when I don’t want to be with him, and he gets critical and says mean things when I’m not available. I tell my friends, and they get mad at him and tell me to leave. I don’t want to leave. I just want them to tell me that what he says isn’t true. But then I get worried that that means there’s something wrong with me.”

In a post here at Psychology Today , Meg Selig writes that what most of us want from our friends is not advice, but someone to listen and support us as we grapple with issues.

Do you tell a friend when you think she is making a mistake in a romantic relationship , that she needs to start (or stop) a diet , or that she needs to get help with her drinking? Do you keep your mouth shut and support her, no matter what? Is it always dangerous to give advice? Is it equally dangerous to take it?

I asked clients, friends, colleagues, and students for input. Some told me they give their honest opinion no matter what the consequences. Others said that they only give it if asked, or if they thought their friend was in danger. But almost everyone told me that they felt that giving advice is a no-win situation. “If you say something, you take the risk of losing your friend,” one recent college graduate said. “But if you don’t say something, you feel like you’re not being honest.”

To further complicate the situation, sometimes not saying something can damage a friendship , too. “Friends are supposed to tell you the truth, even if it hurts, and even if you get mad at them,” said a woman in her thirties. She is still in pain after discovering that her husband was unfaithful—and that friends knew about it and never said anything to her.

A former football player in his forties said, “If only my friends had done an intervention about my eating when I was younger. I might not have liked it, but they would have been doing me a favor. I was used to eating a lot to keep my weight up for football. When I stopped playing, I didn’t realize that I was still doing the same thing. And nobody told me that I was getting fat.”

Whether he would have listened is a separate question, but beneath his complaint is an unexpressed desire to know that his friends cared enough about him to talk about something that he might not have wanted to hear—something that would have made them all uncomfortable.

Before you offer solicited or unsolicited advice to a friend, consider these two points:

1. Is the subject something they truly have not heard or thought about?

In another terrific Psychology Today post, Thomas Plante writes, “Advice giving usually doesn't work, and often completely backfires.”

Selig says that if you still feel like you should say something, it’s helpful to express yourself tentatively: “I know it’s easy for me to say, not being in your shoes and of course not knowing all of the details, but I’m wondering if it would be at all useful to…?” If you know that you have a tendency to come on too strong, be prepared for your friends to see through this subterfuge—it only works if you genuinely feel that you don’t have the answer.

2. Can you honestly allow your friend to decide whether to take your advice?

Giving advice is only meaningful if it really is just advice. If we take it personally when friends don’t do what we have suggested, it moves out of the realm of advice-giving and into the realm of ordering —and that’s not good for a friendship.

When a friend gives you advice, consider these two possibilities before deciding either to take the suggestion or to reject it out of hand:

1. Is it given with good intention?

In other words, does your friend really believe that their advice will be useful? If so, even if you decide not to take it, you can tell them that you appreciate where they are coming from and that you understand that the advice makes good sense to them. It’s often easier to say and to hear “no” when it comes with a dollop of appreciation.

2. Are you taking it personally?

Even personal advice isn’t always about the person it’s being given to—it’s often even more about the person who is giving it. So, if a friend tells you that they think you should do something, consider their words carefully, and try to decide whether they really apply to you.

* Names and details disguised for confidentiality

• Meg Selig: 9 Ways to Be There for a Friend, Without Giving Advice
• Thomas Plante: Giving People Advice Rarely Works. This Does.

F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W. , is a psychotherapist, teacher, and author in private practice in New York City.

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Sticking up for yourself is no easy task. But there are concrete skills you can use to hone your assertiveness and advocate for yourself.

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