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A psychologist explains why some people can’t stop chasing toxic relationships.

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Why do we keep dating people who are bad for us?

Many people come to therapy wondering if they have a problem picking romantic partners. They ask questions like:

“I think ‘toxic’ has become my type. It’s so frustrating. Why can’t I find healthy people exciting anymore?”
“My on-again-off-again partner can be abusive sometimes. I walk on eggshells even when we aren’t fighting. I know I should leave for good, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Why am I stuck in this cycle?”
“I recently met someone who makes me feel like a whole other person. I love being around them and don’t want to miss out on us being a thing. But I’m also on the fence because I have a mutual friend who has warned me about their past. How do I know if they are bad for me?”

A toxic relationship is one that is characterized by a lack of trust, respect, and healthy communication. These relationships can be damaging to our mental and physical health, and yet some people find themselves repeatedly drawn to toxic partners.

If this is you, it may be time to take a step back and examine why this pattern exists in your life. This is the first step in breaking a cycle that can lead you down a lonely and self-destructive path.

Here are three reasons why you could be drawn, time after time, to people who do not have your best interests at heart.

#1. Is your love pathological?

The desire for love is built into every human being. It is the bedrock upon which healthy romantic relationships flourish.

But some people may have an obsessive and pathological need for love that could cause problems in how they relate to their romantic partners and dating in general.

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One study found that pathological love, which is a behavioral addiction in which a person offers repetitive and compulsive care and attention to another, is linked to impulsivity.

Because such individuals only feel whole when they have someone to love and be loved by, they often impulsively begin romantic relationships without considering whether they are compatible with their partner. According to the study, these people are also more likely to stay in (rather than end) an unhealthy relationship in spite of knowing they are not happy.

#2. Is your attachment style to blame?

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that if you witnessed your parents fighting often when you were a child, it could affect your attitude toward romantic relationships as an adult.

The study revealed that children who grew up in conflict-ridden homes developed what psychologists call ‘ insecure attachment styles .’ These types of attachment styles make it hard for people to connect with others in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

The two insecure attachment styles that the study linked to fighting between parents were:

Anxious attachment style , where you are constantly afraid of being left or abandoned
Avoidant attachment style , where you suppress your true emotions for fear of appearing weak or expressing vulnerability

These suboptimal attachment styles can make it easy for someone to get involved with a person who possesses toxic traits. For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style, you could mistake a partner’s controlling behavior for them being ‘caring.’ Even upon realizing that there is a problem, you may be unable to confront them because you have a fear of being abandoned.

#3. Do you have borderline tendencies?

If your relationship history is overwhelmingly toxic, you may need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are prone to engage in unstable and risky romantic pursuits. If you have BPD, your relationships may alternate between two phases:

Idealization , during which you think your partner is ‘perfectly perfect’
Devaluation , during which you think your partner is ‘perfectly imperfect’

This is called splitting. It is an unconscious defense mechanism that helps those with BPD protect their all-or-nothing attitude toward everything.

A study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that adolescents who reported feeling disgusted with themselves were at risk of developing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) later in life. Other factors in adolescence that are associated with developing BPD include high impulsivity, uncontrolled anger, being suspicious of others’ motives, and emotional instability.

Some of the most common symptoms of BPD are listed below. But, remember, do not self-diagnose complex mental health conditions. If you suspect you may have some borderline tendencies, help is available.

Feelings of abandonment and hyper-reactivity to rejection
Feelings of emptiness
A negative self-view often with harsh self-criticism
Emotional instability
Impulsivity
Risk behaviors, including self-harm

Toxic patterns in your romantic life can be frustrating and painful, but there is hope. By becoming aware of the patterns in your relationships, building self-esteem, and reaching out for help when needed, you can break free from the cycle of toxicity and create lasting love that is healthy and fulfilling.

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What People Don't Know About Love After a Toxic Relationship

This is about one author's personal, anecdotal experience and should not substitute medical advice. If you're having health concerns of any kind, we urge you to speak to a healthcare professional.

After weeks of texting, video chatting, and playing virtual board games, Maxton knocked on my apartment door. It was April of 2020, and Chicago—and the rest of the country—was in full lockdown. Maybe it was irresponsible of us to meet in person; maybe we should have been content with our daily phone calls. But they say when you know, you know, and I was already certain Maxton was meant to be in my life.

We stayed outside, determined to be as Covid-compliant as possible. But by the end of the block, we were already kissing. Passing cars honked, either delighted or disgusted by our PDA. The sun was shining, the birds singing, and, for the first time, I was in the arms of the person I knew I’d be with forever.

And I felt… confused.

Unsplash / Design by Tiana Crispino

My last relationship was hell. After nearly a year of dating, I emerged from the breakup emotionally battered, bruised, and broken. In retrospect, it was doomed from the start. We didn’t want the same things. We had totally different expectations for the relationship—and for each other. We complained, cried, and capitulated instead of communicating, and nothing was ever resolved. Things were toxic with a capital T. We both needed to get out.

Still, when it was over, all the bad aspects of our relationship dissolved into smoke in my memory. For weeks and months after, I struggled to remember what exactly had been so bad. I doubted everything. Had I really cried that often? Had I really been that miserable? Had we really been that poorly matched? Worse still, I began to wonder if all our problems had one common denominator: me.

I went to therapy. Eventually, I went to the hospital, and even spent a month in residential mental health treatment. I was already prone to depression and anxiety, and the crumbling of my toxic relationship pushed me over the edge. My thoughts turned into obsession. Every second of every day was dedicated to ruminating about what had gone wrong, what I had done wrong, how I could have fixed things if just given the chance.

I did a lot of hard, painful work in therapy. When I got out of residential treatment, I began to lead something close to a normal life again. I hung out with people, went on dates, and began to rebuild my confidence and sense of self.

When I swiped right on Maxton, two full years had passed since the end of my toxic relationship. I was finally ready for a partnership that was loving, supportive, and peaceful.

So now that I had one, why did it feel so weird?

Unplash / Design by Tiana Crispino

My new partner wasn’t the issue. I knew that much right away. Maxton was everything I wanted: kind, funny, smart, handsome, empathetic, nerdy, and talented. We had similar interests, from the popular (like good food and scary movies) to the more esoteric (obscure musicals and Dungeons & Dragons). I enjoyed talking to him, and, as I more or less quarantined in his apartment, I loved spending time together. I knew we were in it for the long haul.

However, for the first month of our relationship, I was outwardly blissful—but panicked on the inside. I couldn’t even name the problem, because there wasn’t a problem. Still, I couldn’t shake a persistent sense of anxiety.

But why ? Maxton and I didn’t fight. We didn’t argue. When something came up, we talked about it and came to a conclusion or compromise. We both wanted the same things, both short-term and long-term, and looked forward to pursuing them together. We made each other laugh instead of cry. We were supportive of each other, excited for each other, and truly acted as partners.

After a lot of soul-searching, I came to a surprising conclusion: Everything was great, and, because of the trauma of my last relationship, that felt wrong.

I wasn’t used to this. If this relationship was smooth sailing, my last one had been a turbulent storm. All I had known was drama, panic, tears, and confusion.

And, for some reason, part of me still craved the chaos.

Thanks to a lot of therapy, I began to untangle the web of my discomfort. Part of the issue was that I was confusing drama for passion. For all its flaws, my last relationship had burned hot and heavy. The bad times were awful, but the good times—few as they were—were really good. When we inevitably fell into a rough patch, I convinced myself that the trauma and drama was just us caring passionately about each other. Sure, we fought all the time, and sure, we made each other cry, but only people who really loved each other could reach such extremes, right?

Because Maxton and I had such a peaceful relationship, I worried that we didn’t have “passion.” What I didn’t realize was that passion doesn’t equal chaos. The adrenaline spikes from arguing may feel intense, but the only fire they fuel is drama, not love. The passion I was really looking for comes from trust, affection, and attraction—all things Maxton and I already had.

I also began to realize that my last relationship had confirmed deep-seated fears about myself. I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem. When our relationship began to crumble, it felt like a reflection on my worth as a person. Because my opinion of myself was already low, I felt validated by my partner pulling away from me. No wonder they didn’t like me, I thought--I didn’t even like myself. Even though these thoughts were so negative, it felt weirdly comforting to be "proven right." My low self-esteem led to low standards, or comparison levels , and, after a while, my toxic relationship felt like exactly what I deserved.

Maxton made me feel different: cherished, valued, and, before long, truly loved. But my low self-esteem still whispered that maybe I didn’t deserve something this good. While I was truly happy with Maxton, I still had one foot in the past. Maybe this was too good. Maybe I needed to run.

The Happy Ending

But I didn’t.

It would have been so easy to slip back into old patterns. My ex wasn’t going to take me back, but I could have found another drama-filled relationship. I could have given up on happiness and gone back to what I knew, what felt comfortable, what I felt like I deserved. I could have surrendered.

Instead, with the help of my family, friends, doctors, and, of course, Maxton, I fought back. This was the best relationship I had ever had, and I wasn’t just going to let it go. I told myself that what I really deserved—what everyone deserves—is happiness, love, and peace. I told myself that I had innate worth. I knew, in the very core of my heart, that I wanted a drama-free, chaos-free, tension-free relationship. I wanted to be with Maxton.

So we moved across the country together, adopted a cat, and got engaged. A few days ago, we were married in a small, intimate, breathtakingly perfect ceremony. In front of our parents, and with his sister officiating, we declared that we would love each other forever. I didn’t feel anxious or confused, or questioned my decision at all. All I felt was happiness.

And I will never, ever doubt that this true, peaceful love is what everyone deserves to find.

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Our 'Toxic' Love-Hate Relationship With Plastics

Susan Freinkel notes that plastics have had enormously beneficial impacts — like making blood transfusions safe and common. But scientists are also now discovering that chemicals from plastics are leeching into our bloodstreams — and the effects of that are largely unknown.

We all know that plastics are common in modern life, but science journalist Susan Freinkel says they are really literally everywhere — in our toothbrushes, hair dryers, cell phones, computers, door knobs, car parts — and of course in those ubiquitous plastic bags we get it seems every time we buy anything.

The bags are made from polyethylene , the most common type of plastic in use today. By one estimate, Freinkel says, the amount of polyethylene produced in America every year is nearly equal to the combined mass of every man, woman and child in the country.

Freinkel's new book, Plastic: A Toxic Love Story chronicles the rise of plastic in consumer culture, and its effects on the environment and our health. She notes that plastics have had enormously beneficial impacts — like making blood transfusions safe and common. But scientists are now also finding that phthalate chemicals from IV bags and other plastics are leaching into the fluids we take into our bodies, and the effects of that are just now being understood.

Plastic: A Toxic Love Story By Susan Freinkel Hardcover, 336 pages Houghton Mifflin Harcourt List price: $27

Read An Excerpt

"These chemicals act in a more convoluted and complicated way," Freinkel says. "They interfere with our hormones, and they interfere with the endocrine system, which is the network of glands that orchestrate growth and development. And there's some research showing that DEHP, this chemical that's in vinyl [used in IV bags], has this property. It interferes with testosterone."

But the million dollar question yet to be solved, says Freinkel, is whether prolonged exposure to DEHP and other chemicals alters our bodily systems.

"It's difficult to say what the effects [of exposure] are," she says. "There are animal studies that show, at very high doses, it can be quite hazardous. It is literally toxic to the testicles and can create malformations and damage sperm and create fertility problems later in life. But most people aren't exposed to those kinds of levels — even in hospital settings where you are being transfused for a long time. It's not approaching those levels. It is more subtle, probably."

Problems In Rats

Only a few studies have directly looked at the effects of DEHP exposure in humans. Dr. Shanna Swan at the University of Rochester in Rochester, N.Y., has published several articles on prenatal exposure to phthalates. In one study, she found that newborn baby boys born to mothers with more phthalates in their bodies had a subtle difference in their genitals. That genital abnormality could indicate a disruption in testosterone levels, Freinkel says.

"In rats, that [physical] marker has been associated with a bunch of problems," Freinkel says. "But we don't actually know what it means in humans. ... What it suggests is that these chemicals that we've used for 50 years and assumed to be completely benign may have an impact on health of some people, particularly people who get exposed at critical phases of development."

Susan Freinkel is a science writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times , Discover Magazine , Smithsonian Magazine and other publications. She is also the author of American Chestnut , a social history of one of America's most common trees. HMH Books hide caption

What The Plastics Industry Says

The plastics industry, Freinkel says, has maintained that vinyl and phthalates are safe. Both the vinyl industry and the American Chemistry Council conduct their own research on the materials they use and have their own trade associations. Freinkel says they're quick to rebut any studies that come out suggesting a correlation between exposure to synthetic chemicals and possible health issues.

"[They say] they've been in use for 50 years, there's no evidence of widespread human problems, and therefore [they ask], 'What's the issue?' " she says. "And they are right — the science on this is still uncertain."

Interview Highlights

On government regulation of plastics

"Unlike pesticides or drugs, there's no real explicit government regulation on plastics. We have a very fragmented and fairly ineffective patchwork of laws to regulate synthetic chemicals. The central regulation there is something called the Toxic Substances Control Act, which was passed in 1976. People's criticism of that law is that it has tended to treat chemicals as safe until proven to be dangerous. But the way that the law is written is very difficult to establish that a chemical is dangerous because manufacturers do not have to volunteer information about that, and the Environmental Protection Agency is fairly hamstrung in its ability to collect information. When that law was passed, the 60,000 or so chemicals that were then in commerce were simply grandfathered in under the law. Since that time, there have been another 20,000 to 30,000 chemicals that have come onto the market. The EPA has only been able to require reviews of a couple of hundred [types of synthetic chemicals], and it's only been able to actually establish that there were significant hazards that [required] banning in five."

Author Interviews

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On different types of plastic

"There are a lot of plastics out there. Plastics are not created equal, and I think there are a lot of plastics that we don't have to worry about. I'm not so worried about polyethylene [the stuff of plastic baggies]. I'm not particularly worried about polypropylene, which is the stuff that's used in yogurt containers or margarine tubs. But we know that hazardous chemicals are used in plastics, and some of those plastics will leach chemicals that may be harmful to our health, and we don't know the full extent of that. I'll give you an example, which is PET — polyethylene terephthalate. It's the plastic that's used in soda bottles and water bottles. It's another plastic that we have for decades considered an inert plastic. In recent years, there have been several studies showing that PET can leach some kind of compound that seems to have estrogenic activity — that seems to act like an estrogen. We don't know what that compound is. We don't know whether it's being leached in sufficient quantities to have any impact on human health. The fact that we're suddenly discovering it is a little disconcerting. That said, I think those kinds of findings are why we need to have stronger laws that require manufacturers to demonstrate the safety of chemicals that they put into commerce."

On plastics leaching from baby bottles

"The plastic that used to be used to make baby bottles is a polycarbonate. It's a hard, clear, glasslike plastic, and one of the main ingredients in that is a chemical called bisphenol A (BPA), which is an estrogen mimic. If you look at a diagram of that molecule, it looks just like an estrogen molecule. And bisphenol A has been associated with a bunch of health problems, including obesity, breast cancer, heart disease and others. And when research about bisphenol A started coming out, parents especially were understandably horrified at the thought that the bottles that they were using to feed their babies could potentially be leaching this chemical into their babies. You'd be hard-pressed to buy a baby bottle now that contains bisphenol A. This is one of those instances where the government didn't step in but Walmart did. The big-box stores won't carry BPA bottles. ... Manufacturers are still free to use bisphenol A, but it has acquired such a bad rep that not many do. There are some states and other countries that have outlawed bisphenol A. The problem, of course, is that you end up with this patchwork of regulations and no consistency or guarantee."

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What to Know If You're Concerned About a Toxic Relationship

How to spot the warning signs of toxic relationships

How to Leave

A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.

On a basic level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better can become toxic over time. Toxic relationships can exist in just about any context, from the playground to the boardroom to the bedroom. You may even deal with toxic relationships among your family members.

People with mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder , major depression , or even depressive tendencies, may be particularly susceptible to toxic relationships since they are already sensitive to negative emotions .

For example, someone with bipolar disorder who is in the midst of a mixed or depressive episode may have a somewhat weaker grip on emotional stability than others, and that may make that person an easier target for toxic people. However, toxic people can affect anyone.

Here's what you need to know about toxic relationships, including what makes a relationship toxic and how to determine if you're in one. You'll also find tips for effective ways to manage these types of relationships, such as going to online therapy or online couples counseling .

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Only you can tell if the bad outweighs the good in a relationship. But if someone consistently threatens your well-being by what they're saying, doing, or not doing, it's likely a toxic relationship.

Relationships that involve physical or verbal abuse are definitely classified as toxic. But there are other, more subtle, signs of a toxic relationship, including:

You give more than you're getting, which makes you feel devalued and depleted.
You feel consistently disrespected or that your needs aren't being met.
You feel a toll on your self-esteem over time.
You feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned , or attacked.
You feel depressed, angry, or tired after speaking or being with the other person.
You bring out the worst in each other. For example, your competitive friend brings out a spite-based competitive streak that is not enjoyable for you.
You are not your best self around the person. For example, they bring out the gossipy side of you, or they seem to draw out a mean streak you don't normally have.
You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person to keep from becoming a target of their venom.
You spend a lot of time and emotional strength trying to cheer them up.
You are always to blame. They turn things around so things you thought they had done wrong are suddenly your fault.

Toxic vs. Abusive Relationships

Not all toxic relationships are abusive; however, all abusive relationships can be considered toxic.

In a toxic relationship, there is usually a lack of respect and a violation of boundaries. Sometimes, this behavior occurs without the person even realizing they're doing it.

But, if this kind of behavior is consistently repeated with the active intent to harm the other person, the relationship could be considered abusive.

Abuse can take many forms—such as psychological, emotional, and physical abuse. Abusive relationships tend to also follow the cycle of abuse. For example, the stages of the cycle of abuse usually involve:

Tension starts to build.
An act of abuse occurs.
The person who committed the act apologizes, blames the victim, or minimizes the abuse.
There is a period of time during which no abuse occurs; however, the cycle eventually repeats.

In addition, toxic relationships may be more subjective than abusive ones. For instance, if you have a history of being lied to, you might consider anyone who lies a toxic person; someone else might be more willing to let it slide and give the person who lied a second chance.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse of any kind, there are resources that can help.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database .

Toxic vs. Healthy Behavior

When determining if a relationship is creating toxicity, it's important to look at which behaviors are being displayed most frequently in the relationship.

In other words, if one or both of you are consistently selfish, negative, and disrespectful, you could be creating toxicity in the relationship. But if you're mostly encouraging, compassionate, and respectful, then there might just be certain issues that create toxicity that need to be addressed.

It's important to recognize the signs of toxicity—whether it's in you or in the other person. Here are some signs of both toxic behaviors and healthy behaviors.

Self-centered

Distrusting

Disrespectful

Encouraging

Trustworthy

Compassionate

Types of Toxic Relationships

It's important to note that toxic relationships are not limited to romantic relationships. They exist in families, in the workplace, and among friend groups—and they can be extremely stressful, especially if the toxicity isn't effectively managed.

When there are negative behaviors : Some people's constant complaining, critical remarks, and overall negativity create a toxic environment. Other toxic traits may include perfectionism, unhealthy competitiveness, and frequent lying. A person may also let their insecurities bring out the worst in them.
When one (or both) people lack self-awareness : Sometimes people are unaware of their negative effect on others. They also may not know healthier ways to communicate. It's likely that they don't know how to read social cues well enough to know when they're frustrating people or making them feel like they are being criticized or ignored.
When a person intentionally hurts others : Some people are deliberately rude and hurtful. In these situations, you may feel singled out and targeted through their mean words and actions. A person may also try to control or manipulate you, which is toxic behavior.
When a partner is constantly cheating : If an intimate partner lies and cheats without even trying to change their behavior, it adds a toxic element to the relationship.
When a person is abusive : When people repeatedly and intentionally hurt you, their behavior can be considered abusive. Whether they are constantly gossiping about you, or they are physically harming you in any way, abuse is never OK.

Toxic Relationships and Drug Addiction

A person who misuses alcohol or drugs may engage in toxic behaviors. Receiving treatment may help them improve their toxic traits; however, relationships that were damaged by their addiction may not be fully repaired.

If any of the above scenarios are true of your situation, you may want to re-evaluate the toxic relationships in your life.

Narcissists and Sociopaths

Some people, particularly narcissists and sociopaths , tend to feed off of other people's attention and admiration. Narcissists feel a need to one-up people and make them feel "less-than" in a quest for superiority.

They may intentionally put you down in subtle ways or throw little insults at you if you share an accomplishment you are proud of. They also may keep you guessing as to whether or not they will be nice to you from one day to the next. Or, they may engage in gaslighting on a consistent basis.

Narcissists notoriously don't admit fault because they truly believe that they never make mistakes. In fact, they find it personally threatening to see themselves as less than perfect.

When dealing with toxic, narcissistic people , it's not always obvious whether they're aware of what they are doing. But if their behavior is consistently making you feel bad about yourself, you'll need to distance yourself from this person, or at least accept that you need to be on your guard if the person has to be in your life.

This change in your behavior won't change them, but it can help minimize the stress of dealing with them. The important thing is that you protect yourself from the emotional abuse you receive when interacting with them:

Remind yourself that you're not going to change them, and confronting them may only bring out more wrath without resolving anything.
Put distance between yourself and them.
Accept that you need to be on your guard if the person has to be in your life.

Press Play for Advice On Dealing With Difficult People

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast featuring psychotherapist Andrea Bonior, shares strategies for dealing with people who display narcissistic traits. Click below to listen now.

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If it's a co-worker and the problem is proximity, consider thinking of a good excuse to get your desk moved. For example: "I'm right under an air vent that's bothering me" or "I could get more work done if I wasn't right by the printer."

If the person seeks you out to complain, you might try referring them to a supervisor, and then calmly return to doing your work. You may have to repeat this numerous times before they get the hint.

Family and Friends

With family members and friends, it's likely to be more difficult, since there may be no easy way to remove the toxic person from your life.

If you have a seriously toxic friend , you may need to simply decrease the time you spend with them. If you're worried about offending them, cut back your visits over a period of months so it isn't quite as noticeable (though they may still notice).

When the toxic person is a family member or close friend, it may also be possible to encourage that person to get into therapy, which is often needed to solve the underlying issue behind the toxicity.

Effects of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships may be causing real damage to your self-esteem and your overall mental health as well as your physical health.

Constant drama in a relationship can distract us from the other relationships in our lives, leading to a sense of social isolation—which may cause other issues like depression or worsened sleep quality.

You may find that a toxic relationship impacts your ability to engage in self-care. You may sacrifice your normal routine—including personal hygiene, exercise, hobbies, and more—if you're constantly dealing with a tumultuous or toxic person or relationship. This sacrifice can lead to a decline in overall physical and mental health over time.

Toxic Relationships and Mental Health

One study found that toxic relationships can actually worsen anxiety and stress disorders. On the other hand, healthy relationships can actually improve these conditions.

In fact, a 2016 University of Michigan study found that "stress and [negative] relationship quality directly affect the cardiovascular system." In the long-term, all of these factors damage your health and may even lead you to develop unhealthy coping behaviors like drinking or emotional eating .

Coping With Toxic Relationships

While not every toxic relationship can be avoided, especially among co-workers or a family member, they can be managed with healthy boundaries, self-care, and awareness.

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship where you bring out the worst in one another (or simply fail to bring out the best), you may want to work on the relationship and change the dynamic—particularly if there are other benefits to the relationship.

Assertive communication and healthier boundaries are often the keys to bringing out the best in one another—especially if you're both willing to make changes.

Here are a few more steps for coping with a toxic relationship:

Talk to the other person about what you're witnessing. Be assertive about your needs and feelings while also taking responsibility for your part in the situation.
Discuss what you see as a problem and decide together if you want to change the dynamic to ensure that both of you get your needs met.
Re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself: Is this person causing real damage to my self-esteem and overall mental health?
Limit the time you spend with people who bring frustration or unhappiness into your life. If this person is someone you need to interact with, like a family member or co-worker, you may need to limit interactions.
If you decide to talk about your concerns, use "I feel" statements when describing your feelings and emotions. Doing so helps keep them from feeling defensive.
Realize that some toxic people simply are unwilling to change—especially those who lack self-awareness or social skills.
Try to non-confrontationally stand up for yourself when the situation warrants it.

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How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

If you've tried setting boundaries and the other person refuses to respect them, it may be time to end the relationship. Though it can be challenging to do so , remember that the most important thing is prioritizing yourself, your needs, and your health.

How you choose to end the relationship depends on your situation and how safe you feel. You could:

Tell the person directly that you are choosing to end the relationship and list your reasons.
Let the relationship fade away over time, slowly communicating with this person less and less.
Discontinue communication immediately (particularly if a relationship is threatening your safety).

If you choose to communicate to the person directly, you can take accountability for your feelings and try to avoid blaming them or getting defensive. Ultimately, you can't control how they react, but you can try to use strategies to avoid escalating the discussion.

If you are leaving a romantic relationship, you may need to develop a support network in order to safely leave. For instance, if you are concerned about how the person will react, you may choose to speak with them in a public place. Let a trusted person know when this will take place and where you will be, so you can plan to meet up with them afterward.

You may need to stay with a family member or friend until you figure out a new living situation, away from your partner.

When dealing with any type of toxic relationship, it's important to focus on your health and well-being. Consequently, if you're dealing with someone who drains you of your energy and happiness, consider removing them from your life, or at least limiting your time spent with them. And, if you're experiencing emotional or physical abuse, get help right away.

Rakovec-Felser Z. Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective . Health Psychol Res . 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821

American Psychological Association. The risks of social isolation .

Santini ZI, Koyanagi A, Tyrovolas S, Haro JM. The association of relationship quality and social networks with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation among older married adults: Findings from a cross-sectional analysis of the Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing (TILDA) . J Affect Disord. 2015;179:134-41. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2015.03.015

Birditt KS, Newton NJ, Cranford JA, Ryan LH. Stress and negative relationship quality among older couples: Implications for blood pressure . J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci . 2016;71(5):775-85. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbv023

Umberson D, Montez JK. Social relationships and health: A flashpoint for health policy . J Health Soc Behav . 2010;51 Suppl:S54-66. doi:10.1177/0022146510383501

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By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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Toxic Love Relationships: How to Recognize & Escape Them

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Defining Such a Relationship

Toxic love, unhealthy relationship, toxic relationship, and bad relationship are all different names for the same thing as I see it. Therefore, I’ll really be talking about all of them in this article, but only from the point of view of a romantic love relationship.

Toxic love is a sickness in the hearts of the participants. It is a union of unhealthy and needy individuals. It is a parasite of the human spirit. It uses another person’s weakened spirit to survive. It is an emotional cancer that destroys the healthy parts of a person until there is nothing left except an empty shell– unless its progression is stopped!

A person in a toxic love relationship can fool themselves and their partner into believing that they are protectors, givers, nurturers, or enlighteners. The condition of the relationship is one of uncertainty, anger, neediness, insecurity, and suspicion.

Once a person is deeply involved in a toxic love affair, they gradually lose the ability to recognize behavior that is unhealthy and unacceptable. They eventually lose touch with the concept of a healthy relationship.

In these relationships, each partner’s central role is either as a parasite or as a victim. However, these roles can switch periodically if an emotionally charged situation arises like a bitter argument. When this happens, a repressed sick part of an individual can come shooting out like red-hot lava from an angry volcano!

The degree of sick behavior by either partner can vary. One of them may be sicker than the other. One or both of them may abuse their partner. They may abuse in different ways. Their abuse might be blatant or indiscernible. It might be unintentional or subconscious or both. Whatever the method of delivery it is equally damaging to the recipient. The sinister aspect of imperceptible abuse is that it’s difficult to identify and explain. This makes it hard to gain support from family and friends.

Any relationship that makes you feel bad is or has the capability of becoming a toxic love relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that one or both partners have to be psychologically ill for this to occur. Just being with a person who’s wrong for you can lead to a toxic love relationship.

Recognizing a Toxic Love Relationship

So how do you know when you’re in a toxic love relationship? During the early stages of these relationships, it’s hard to spot. If either partner has unhealthy tendencies, they usually repress them. As a person becomes more involved, especially if they are at a low point in their life, it progressively becomes more difficult to determine. This is particularly true if one or both partners are getting sicker as a result of their involvement in the toxic love affair.

One of the best ways to know if you are in a toxic love relationship is to look at how you feel. Since you have been together, do you feel better or worse about yourself and your life? When you spend time together, do you feel uplifted, relaxed, and confident or do you feel depressed, nervous, and unsure? When you’re apart, do you feel certain and at peace about your relationship or do you feel confused and anxious about it? If you feel like the second part of these comparative questions more often than not, you may be in a toxic love relationship.

Another, and perhaps more reliable, method for determining whether you are in a toxic love relationship is to tune in to what your intuition, or gut feelings, are telling you. (Intuition and gut feelings are different names for the same thing.)

Even if you grew up in a home with parents who had a sick relationship, you do know better. Certainly, you’ve known at least one couple who had a relationship that you could use as a healthy relationship model.

If you grew up with parents who fought a lot, as I did, there certainly is the inclination to fall into unhealthy relationships, but we have a choice. The best one we can make is to take 100% responsibility for our adult relationships. This means not blaming our parents or anyone else for the outcome of our relationship choices.

I have fallen into a number of toxic love relationships in my life, but I have also managed to have quite a few healthy ones as well. I can tell you one thing that I discovered from these highly contrasting experiences. There is absolutely no comparison in terms of joy, fulfillment, and productivity to when you are in a healthy relationship as opposed to a toxic one. It wasn’t until I was in an extremely healthy relationship that I understood the meaning of true love. The most profound aspect that I found, which amazed my friends, was a shift in my consciousness to being more concerned about her happiness than I was about my own. The more I gave without measure, the more I received. The point here is that one of the characteristics of a toxic love relationship is self-centeredness!

One of the most amazing things about being in a bad relationship, which I talk about in this article entitled, “ Breaking Up! How to Ride the Pain to Gain ,“ is how I felt about them once I broke free. It was almost impossible for me to figure out what I ever saw in them. While I was deeply entrenched in the turmoil of the relationship, I couldn’t see the futility of the situation. Nor could I clearly recall how I felt the last time I broke free from a similar involvement. Eventually, I did learn how to use these experiences to my advantage and I got over future breakups much easier and quicker.

Your intuition, or gut feelings, is the most reliable way for you to decide if you’re in a toxic love relationship, but you may not have access to this information right now for two reasons: (1) You have not developed the ability to tune in to and trust your intuition, or gut feelings. (2) The sickness of your relationship may have progressed to the point where you can no longer distinguish between healthy and unhealthy behavior.

If you have not developed the ability to tune in to and trust your intuition you can learn! Everybody has this capability. Have you ever had a strong feeling about a particular person or situation that turned out as you had thought? This is your intuition speaking to you. To learn more about intuition, read this article entitled, “Intuition – How to Access, Recognize, & Trust It.”

If the sickness of your relationship has progressed to the point where your mind has turned to mush, read this article entitled, “What is Love? Defined by What it Is and is Not!” It might give you clarity. It includes a list of what you will NOT feel, think, share, and experience when you’re “truly” in love. This list is a perfect description of a toxic love relationship.

Escaping a Toxic Love Relationship

So what do you do if you find yourself in a toxic love relationship? You need to find a way to separate yourself from the relationship immediately! If you cannot handle the thought of permanently ending your relationship right now, then propose to your partner with conviction that you take 30 to 90 days off under the conditions described below.

Both partners agree to…

Reset the clock if either person violates these conditions for any reason.
Meet in a neutral location (park, restaurant) at the end of 30 to 90 days.
Write a letter to each other and present it during the meeting. (Optional)
Honor the wishes of either partner who wants to end the relationship at the conclusion of the meeting without any argument or repercussions.

Agreeing to meet at the end of a 30 to 90 day period will provide the sense of security that you both might need at this point. Most importantly, it will give you the space and time you need to regain your personal power. It will also give your partner a cooling-off period.

There is one caveat to making this 30 to 90 day agreement. There’s a good chance that your feelings for one another will change or switch by the time you meet. For example, you may have initiated the separation but later you decide that you want to give the relationship one more try. At the time of your separation, your partner may have begged you to stay together. But when they arrive at your meeting they want to end your relationship permanently. The only thing you need to do is prepare yourself for any outcome and not have any expectations.

If you are not sure whether you should leave your partner, consider these things. In your current state, you have nothing positive to give to this or any other relationship. The same is true of your partner.

The best thing to do for yourself, and your partner, is to break away from the relationship completely or at least in the manner described above. Your goal is to put some time and physical distance between you and the relationship. This will give you the opportunity to regain your emotional equilibrium. Once you’re away from the stress and sickness of the relationship for a while you’ll begin to see it for what it truly is: toxic love, perhaps? The only person on earth who can truly decide is you!

If you feel your relationship may be salvageable, you might consider reading this article entitled, “Couples Communication without Confrontation!” Completion of the communication exercise described in the article may give you the starting point you need.

If you feel that your relationship is not worth any further investment, then I would encourage you to look at this transition as an opportunity for personal growth ! To support your efforts, read as much information as you can on topics related to your needs and goals. There are many good books on the recommended books list that you might consider.

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4 Ways to Ask Them Out
Selfishness Ruins Relationships
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by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

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When someone you love is toxic – how to let go, without guilt.

When Someone You Love is Toxic How to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship, Without Guilt

If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.

Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.

Why do toxic people do toxic things?

Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.

Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.

It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.

Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.

Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.

Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.

Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic

Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.

Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.

Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.

Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.

Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.

At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.

The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.

Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.

We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.

Why are toxic relationships so destructive?

In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.

Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.

The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.

Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.

Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.

Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.

Why are toxic people so hard to leave?

If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.

Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.

When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.

Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.

Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.

For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.

Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.

But they do it because they love me. They said so.

Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.

The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.

Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.

The one truth that matters.

If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.

Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.

Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.

Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.

The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.

When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.

There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.

The growth.

Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.

Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.

You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.

One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.

You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.

Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.

If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.

[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]

1,090 Comments

Karen… Thank you… thank you… thank you… for writing and sharing what I receive as a heart-centered, loving, truthful, and empowering message. In all the difficult moments and the feelings which flow from realizing one is in close relationship with someone who’s traumatized so deeply that they cling to defenses for too long. I’ve navigated ending my marriage with my wife whom I love so deeply. Yet, she has chosen (or not chosen, if there’s an undiagnosed mental health issue contributing) clear patterns of unhealthy and abusive behaviors towards me. I’m aware of and empathize with the pain I sense she lives with in her own being. I’ve needed to learn that even in the truth of all the dynamics, what you’ve said about what love looks like is absolutely true. This is one of the most insightful, true, and caring articles I’ve read regarding toxic relationships and choices we make. The therapist I worked with told me, “staying is a form of consent.” It took me acknowledging and owning that for myself to realize my attempts were coming to an end… I didn’t consent, intellectually. Yet, in truth, I consented emotionally and physically nearly every day I stayed. Freedom to be who are in our more whole selves matters. Your insights and writings support that freedom. Much respect.

My wife is so toxic that her mother called me out of the blue one day to apologize that her daughters don’t have any empathy. I think that they are all toxic, mother and daughters. I’ve seen them gang up on a child before (my child – I’ve seen them blatantly lie to manipulate their own family to then say, “little white lies don’t matter” as if its a justification.

I still love her but know 100% that our relationship has already failed. If we didn’t have children their is not a chance in the world that we’d still be together and we both know it to be a fact.

I am not going anywhere. The stats on young men raised by their mothers are what they are and I will not curse my sons with that shit. The only way it ends is if she leaves this time. I’ve already left once and she manipulated her way back in. I am here to raise my sons. I just need to not let her behavior trigger me and things will be fine…

You’re right you know, I know this type of behaviour. They tell you you’re the crazy one when in fact we are the normal ones. They lie and make us feel bad, and they can because we are good people and they are not unfortunately.

I loved her – still do – but when it ended suddenly over a stupid argument where she questioned how I pronounced someone’s name, I felt such relief somehow. I looked back in my diaries, which I never normally reread, and found this background criticism there almost all through the 10 years we have been together. I am left feeling so stupid and so full of a lack of self-respect that I wonder how it was that I stayed this long. I am angry, not with her, but with myself, and I don’t really understand why I stayed.

However, even now as we start to talk a little about the truth of what happened between us, and she has listened for the very first time without a reflective attacking defense to me telling her how vulnerable and diminished I felt, my instinct was to go and comfort her. I had a really strong feeling that she needed help to understand where the negativity comes from. But, with some reflection later, I know, as is said here, that she will never change and that this drip-drip quiet belittling criticism is somehow baked in. So even though this is really upsetting and painful, I need to see it to the other side and accept being alone as the prize of being free.

Hi all I think I am toxic and am in now therapy .i want to manage my emotions better . I want to apologise for my behaviour on last day of our relationship .

He decided to leave and get a break mid dinner. He would stay away 2-3 days. He had been doing this every week. He would lie where he was going and said he had right to keep things private .

On final night I realised I had to end the relationship . I begged to be let in ,lot where he was. He has again lied where he was . I then ranted at him about all the things I found hard which was meant with indifference . He called the police. Our relationship hurt me In the second year I found about 2 affairs in first year . I lost trust and he would get mad if I was questioning saying I was using the affairs to criticise him. . If I tend to say a need it was met with dismissiveness I will go over and over the need trying to explain it till it becomes an arguement. My partner believed I liked to argue and wanted to just be happy and ignore the issues .he is a salesman and would go away and forget his charger so couldn’t call as phone flat but wouldn’t face time etc. I became a clingon . He says is I abused his kids and I never did. He’s saying I was completely crazy but I have close family and many long term friends and I’m not crazy in any other relationship I spent every event on him and his wants for his man cave in the hole that it would get a connection and he then said it was all blackmail . We have been no contact 4 weeks except a few texts re the house

Anyway I am working on my issues and regulation but I’d like to say sorry , not to get back together but because I wasn’t true to my values

Should I or just let it be

I’m definitely in a toxic relationship and it feels like it’s too late. I’m broken and hurt and he has shit on me that I can never live down, but I don’t know if it’ll be any better than him holding it over my head for the rest of my life.

It would be better to be alone than with someone who will hold your mistakes over your head the rest of your life. There’s a chance you’ll meet someone who will accept you for your faults, live, learn, and love each other in a way that’s meaningful and productive for both of you. But you’ll never get that chance if you stay in a toxic relationship.

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Brains and bodies crave balance. When our bodies are too hot, too cold, fighting an infection, we’ll will shiver or fever or sweat in an attempt to regulate. These aren’t deliberate or deficient, but part of the magnificent pool of resources our bodies turn to to stay strong for us. Our nervous systems have the same intense and unavoidable need for balance. When the brain FEELS unsafe (doesn’t mean it is unsafe) it will attempt to recruit support. How? Through feelings. When we’re in big feels, someone is going to notice. Our boundaries are clear. Were seen, heard, noticed. Maybe not the way we want to be, but when the brain is in ‘distress’ mode, it only cares about the next 15 seconds. This is why we all say or do things we wouldn’t normally do when we’re feeling big sad, angry, anxious, jealous, lonely, frustrated, unseen, unheard, unvalidated. In that moment, our job isn’t to stop their big feelings. We can’t. In that moment they don’t have the resources or the skills to regulate so they need our help. When they’re in an emotional storm, our job is to be the anchor - calm, attached, grounded. Breathe and be with. Hold the boundaries you need to hold to keep everyone (including them) relationally and physically safe, and add warmth. This might sound like nothing at all - just a calm, steady, loving presence, or it might sound like: ‘I know this feels big. I’m here. I want to hear you. (Relationship) AND No I won’t hear you while you’re yelling. (Boundary) Get it out of you though. Take your time. I’m right here. (Relationship. The message is, bring your storm to me. I can look after you.) OR No I won’t let you hurt my body / sibling’s body. (Boundary. Step away or move sibling out of the way.) I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. I’m right here. (Relationship) OR if they’re asking for space: Ok I can see you need space. It’s a good idea that you take the time you need. I’m right here and I’ll check on you in a few minutes. Take your time. There’s no hurry. (Relationship - I can look after you and give you what you need, even when it’s space from me.)’♥️

I think this is one of the hardest things as parents - deciding when to protect them and when to move forward. The line isn’t always clear, but it’s an important one. Whenever our kiddos feels the distress of big anxiety, we will be driven to protect them from that distress. It’s what makes us loving, amazing, attentive parents. It’s how we keep them safe. The key is knowing when that anxiety is because of true danger, and when it’s because they are about to do something growthful, important, or brave. We of course want to hold them back from danger, but not from the things that will grow them. So when their distress is triggering ours, as it is meant to, and we’re driven to support their avoidance, ask, ‘Do they feel like this because they’re jn danger or because they’re about to do something brave, important, growthful.’ ‘Is this a time for me to hold them back (from danger), or is it a time for me to support them forward (towards something important/ brave/ growthful)?’ And remember, the move towards brave can be a teeny shuffle - one tiny brave step at a time. It doesn’t have to be a leap.❤️

♥️ #parenting #parentingwithrespect #parent #mindfulparenting

Some days are keepers. Thank you Perth for your warmth and wide open arms at the @resilientkidsconference. Gosh I loved today with you so much. Thank you for sharing your stories with me, laughing with me, and joining with us in building brave in the young people in our lives. They are in strong, beautiful hands. And then there is you @michellemitchell.author, @maggiedentauthor, @drjustincoulson, @nathandubsywant - you multiply the joy of days like today.♥️

When you can’t cut out (their worries), add in (what they need for felt safety). Rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus to what we can do. Make the environment as safe as we can (add in another safe adult), and have so much certainty that they can do this, they can borrow what they need and wrap it around themselves again and again and again. You already do this when they have to do things that don’t want to do, but which you know are important - brushing their teeth, going to the dentist, not eating ice cream for dinner (too often). The key for living bravely is to also recognise that so many of the things that drive anxiety are equally important. We also need to ask, as their important adults - ‘Is this scary safe or scary dangerous?’ ‘Do I move them forward into this or protect them from it?’♥️

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Home — Essay Samples — Literature — The Great Gatsby — Toxic Love And Life In The Great Gatsby

Toxic Love and Life in The Great Gatsby

Categories: Jay Gatsby Novel The Great Gatsby

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Published: Apr 29, 2022

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Relationships

Want to Escape From a Toxic Relationship? 3 Steps to Freedom

A path to reclaiming your life and well-being..

Posted May 18, 2024 | Reviewed by Ray Parker

Why Relationships Matter
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You didn't enter your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or emotionally abandoned.
Sustained self-awareness that you are in a toxic relationship is the first step.
Leaving a toxic relationship often requires careful planning.

Are you in a toxic relationship? Toxic relationships feature key signs like criticism, contempt, avoidance, and pervasive negative energy.

You didn't enter your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or emotionally abandoned. Being abused, denigrated, frequently gaslit, subjected to reckless spending, deprived of a sex life, or forced to endure problematic, immature behavior is unacceptable. If this is occurring in your relationship, your partner needs to make major changes.

Individual and couple counseling may be needed. However, if your partner refuses to cooperate with counseling, you must face the fact that they will probably never change. You then need to decide whether to stay and try living with them as best you can or move on to a new and hopefully more satisfying relationship.

If you have decided to leave your toxic relationship, here are three steps to help you break free for good.

1. Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem

While this may sound like a no-brainer, understanding (and sustaining that awareness) that you are in a toxic relationship is the first step. Pay attention to the red flags you may have tried to previously put out of your mind: frequent painful criticism, contempt, avoidance, and negative energy. As I discuss in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, not all relationships can be saved. It’s crucial to be honest with yourself about the detrimental impact the relationship is having on your well-being.

Example: A woman I counseled named Ella had endured years of abuse from her husband before she found the strength to leave, acknowledging the toxicity and reclaiming her life. She realized after leaving that trying to repeatedly give her partner a chance became, in her words, "A self-sabotaging harmful subconscious habit." Once she truly made this connection, she was ready to move on.

2. Seek Support and Professional Help by Reaching Out to Friends, Family, or a Therapist

Professional counseling can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and plan your next steps. Support groups can also offer comfort and understanding from those who have been through similar experiences. Don't underestimate the power of having a supportive friend network to bolster your resolve and assist you through the process.

Example: Another client of mine, Ben, found it "immensely helpful" to open up to friends he trusted about seeking therapy and support during and after his tumultuous relationship with an ex-boyfriend.

3. Think of What Is at Stake and Execute Your Exit Strategy

Leaving a toxic relationship often requires careful planning. Consider your financial situation, living arrangements, and any potential safety concerns. Have a clear plan and support system in place before making your move. This may include setting aside emergency funds, securing a new place to live, and ensuring you have access to necessary legal documents.

Example: Maya shared with me that her decision to leave her toxic relationship became clearer as she entered into a new career , prioritizing her well-being and future aspirations.

Additional Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Document Everything: Keep a record of abusive behaviors, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be crucial if you need to seek legal protection or custody arrangements.

Stay Safe: If you fear for your safety, make sure to have a safety plan in place. This might include changing locks, securing personal documents, and knowing where to go in case of an emergency.

Legal Advice: Consult with a lawyer to understand your rights, especially if you share assets or have children. Legal advice can help you navigate the complexities of separation and protect your interests.

Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and mental health during this challenging time. Engage in activities that bring you joy, exercise regularly, and practice mindfulness or meditation to reduce stress .

Example: Many people I have worked with who have left toxic relationships have reflected on the importance of self-care and self-love after leaving a toxic relationship, using these practices to rebuild their confidence and emotional strength.

Final Thoughts

While trying to save a relationship is admirable, it’s sometimes best to move on in the face of repeated hurts and insensitivity. Prioritize your health, happiness , and future. Remember, leaving a toxic relationship is not a sign of failure but an act of self-preservation and courage. Surround yourself with supportive people, seek professional help, and take definitive steps towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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Int J Environ Res Public Health

Young People’s Voices and Science for Overcoming Toxic Relationships Represented in Sex Education

Beatriz villarejo-carballido.

1 Department of Journalism and Communication Studies, Autonomous University of Barcelona, 08193 Bellaterra, Spain; [email protected] (B.V.-C.); [email protected] (C.M.P.)

Cristina M. Pulido

Harkaitz zubiri-esnaola.

2 Department of Language and Literature Didactics, University of the Basque Country UPV/EHU, 20018 San Sebastian, Spain; [email protected]

Esther Oliver

3 Department of Sociology, University of Barcelona, 08034 Barcelona, Spain

Associated Data

The data presented in this article are available under request to the corresponding author. However, the data are not publicly available due to ethical requirements of privacy and protection of the anonymity of the participants.

The scientific literature has presented evidence of how fiction series impact the socialisation of young people’s relationships. However, there is a gap in the evidence on how dialogic interactions overcome the negative impact of the fiction series on the socialisation of toxic relationships. This research analyses dialogic interactions based on scientific evidence related to toxic relationships that contribute to overcoming this type of relationship. First, we developed a communicative content analysis of eight episodes of one of the most-watched fiction series by young people, Sex Education . After that, we conducted four communicative interviews with the young audience to collect their voices about the impact of these toxic relationships represented in this fiction series in their daily conversations. The results indicate that in such cases, there is a need to promote dialogic interactions about this fiction series, focusing the dialogue on which type of masculinity develops a toxic relationship and which, on the contrary, promotes healthy relationships.

1. Introduction

Since the mid-twentieth century, several types of research have shown how audiovisual products can generate effects on the audience and their own vision of reality, especially on the youngest [ 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 ]. One of these is the research Cultural Indicators [ 5 ], which measured violence on television and its effects on society. More than 4000 scenes from different programmes and measurements of violent scenes were used as the sample. The research team found that people who are more exposed to the screen are more influenced by media content than those who are not, which they termed “mainstreaming” [ 5 ]. They further stated that if the person’s lived experiences are in line with what is broadcast, this influences the viewer twice as much, resulting in an increase in the degree of cultivation [ 5 ].

Today more than twice as many young people watch videos on a daily basis [ 6 ], making them the main consumers of audiovisual products. The emergence of digital platforms has changed young people’s viewing habits; they decide what to watch and when [ 7 , 8 ]. Young people watch television series through these platforms, which provide the young person with the entertainment function, the informative function, and various social functions [ 9 ]. In relation to the way young people consume these products, several studies show that the contents of the series consumed by boys and girls are different. While girls are more likely to prefer to watch more romance and drama, boys prefer to watch action and humour [ 10 , 11 ] and, as mentioned earlier, the content consumed influences the viewer.

1.1. Impact of Fiction Series on the Socialisation of Young People’s Affective-Sexual Relationships

In fiction series, there is a proliferation of images and language related to the characters. Many of these can provoke emotions and influence the values and behaviours of the audience [ 12 , 13 , 14 ].

Thus, it is found that youth series aimed at a young audience have significant value, both for television production and the reception of the audience, who are at a time of identity construction [ 15 ]. Ward and Rivadeneyra [ 16 ], who examined 314 young students, found a correlation between the amount of audiovisuals viewed and participants’ sexual attitudes, expectations, and behaviours.

The audiovisual narrative is the backbone of the story, which changes according to the audiovisual genre and the target audience niche [ 17 ]. Love relationships are one of the most common themes in audiovisual storytelling, mainly because they reign in the world of dreams and the desires of the audience [ 18 ]. Wexman [ 19 ] points out that the power of the discourse produced through the representation of love relationships impacts romance styles in society. Ward [ 20 ], who researched 259 young people, stated that there was a correlation between what they consumed and their sexual attitudes and assumptions.

Sexuality is another key theme in youth series, as it is key in the transition from childhood to adulthood. Sexuality is represented today with more characters of different sexual orientations and genders than in the previous era. [ 21 ]. An example appears in the series for teenagers Sex Education , which, according to Marchini [ 22 ], represents a sexuality that has been silenced until now by moral and religious dogmas. Dudek, Woode, and Green [ 23 ], who also analysed the ways in which young people are represented as producers and consumers of pornographic/erotic narratives in this same series, found that this content can provide sexual information and knowledge.

Affective-sexual relationships in fictional series are often associated with conflicts [ 15 ], which can take various forms of physical and/or psychological violence. Berridge [ 24 ], who explored narratives of sexual violence in U.S. programmes between 1990 and 2008, found that many depictions of sexual violence appear within the sexual culture.

Bleakley, Jamieson, and Romer [ 25 ] analysed the highest-grossing films between 1950 and 2006, a total of 855 products. The results were that male characters are more likely to be portrayed as violent, while female characters are more likely to participate in and be depicted in sexually explicit scenes. The authors concluded that violence and explicit sex has increased in both male and female characters. Several fiction series have appeared depicting violence in affective-sexual relationships, such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), where sexual and mutant relationships abound, where hatred becomes love and violence becomes erotic entanglements [ 26 ]; Los Protegidos (2010–2012), where one of the affective-sexual relationships between two adolescents is linked to abuse [ 27 ]; Breaking Bad (2008–2013), in which the relationship between Walter White, the protagonist of the series, includes the protagonist trying to isolate, degrade, exploit, frighten and control his wife Skyler. These tactics are well documented in studies focused on abuse. Thus, the author points out that the lack of emphasis on instances of coercive control by writers and directors makes her partly responsible for contributing to a culture of misogyny. Moreover, accusations of victim-blaming by fans of the series towards Skyler are evident in numerous online blogs, fan forums, and social media platforms [ 28 ]. In the same vein, Iftene [ 29 ], in his study on the series American Horror Story (2011–2021) found that in 2011, the producers added familiar horror film subgenres to the rewrite, using genre strategies in five seasons. Producers made aggressive use of para-cinematic techniques to construct a cult product out of hyper-sexualized horror imagery and narratives.

Therefore, these fiction series that relate affective-sexual relationships with violence can cultivate in viewers an understanding and tolerance of violence in such relationships.

1.2. Toxic and Health Relationships

In addition to the influence that media content generates in the audience, it should be considered as well that affective-sexual relationships have a direct impact on people’s health, both emotionally and physically. Depending on the type of affective-sexual relationship that is established, it can have a positive or negative impact on health.

Domination and discrimination are two components that indicate the poor quality of a relationship, which is called a toxic relationship [ 30 ] and produced in heterosexual and/or homosexual relationships [ 31 , 32 , 33 ]. These elements of power and dominance appear in Dominant Traditional Masculinity (DTM) [ 34 , 35 ], masculinity that can be socialised to suppress emotions in order to maintain dominance of women [ 36 ]. Likewise, Connell [ 37 ] notes that these types of masculinity are always violent.

In contrast, healthy relationships experience a higher level of relational satisfaction and positive affect [ 38 ]. These types of relationships are fostered by men who belong to the model called the New Alternative Masculinity (NAM), that combines good values and attraction [ 34 ]. For this reason, they seek affective-sexual relationships based on desire and love, thus distancing themselves from people with non-egalitarian and/or violent values. This type of masculinity is characterised by self-confidence, bravery, and courage [ 34 ]. Furthermore, this masculinity shows rejection of negative attitudes such as sexism, racism, and double standards [ 39 , 40 ]. Therefore, this masculinity publicly rejects non-egalitarian attitudes.

These influences on health, in addition to the emotional, can have physical effects. Recent research by Chuang [ 41 ] found that romantic relationships are associated with increased gut microbiota diversity and other health benefits. However, when these romantic relationships go through “heartbreak” or “post-relationship grief”, universal life stress occurs that affects the microbiota. Other research highlights that poor-quality affective-sexual relationships can lead to depression [ 42 ], anxiety [ 43 ], fear [ 44 ], anguish [ 45 ], memory disturbances [ 46 ], emotional disorders [ 47 ], environmentally-sensitive physiological impairment (e.g., of central nervous, endocrine, and immune systems) [ 48 ], different somatic symptoms [ 49 ], and even an increase in the tendency to commit suicide in some people [ 50 ]. In addition, there is increased dissatisfaction with the relationship [ 51 ].

1.3. Science-Based Dialogic Interaction about Health in Relationships

Sociological studies show how a dialogical turn has taken place throughout society in recent decades [ 52 ], which affects human relationships. This dialogue is key to fostering societal transformation [ 53 ].

This dialogue can also contribute to changes in and improvement of affective-sexual desires and attraction. This is demonstrated by two studies related to socialization in affective-sexual relationships. The first study deals with the social impact on psychology in the field of gender violence in adolescence. Conducted by Racionero and other authors [ 54 ], a change was observed in the behaviour of girls who decided to talk about health and toxic relationships. They conducted seven interventions with 15–16-year-old girls in the framework of the research programme on preventive socialisation of gender violence. Specifically, spaces for dialogue were established between the research team and the research participants to support the free reconstruction of mental and affective models of attraction through critical analysis of the dominant coercive discourse. Thus, the young women were able to better understand their own and others’ affective-sexual thinking, emotions, and behaviours in favour of the rejection of violence and the dialogue supported the modification of adolescent girls’ sexual preferences for different types of men. At the end of the research, they observed that some participants used the knowledge gained in the project to help their friends and communities reflect on patterns of coercive sexual attraction, the quality of their intimate relationships, and the different effects of sexual violence and toxic relationships on health. In addition, some of the girls decided to end their toxic relationships after the interventions.

The second study refers to the MEMO4LOVE research, through the publication from Padrós-Cuxart, Molina-Roldán, Gismero, and Tellado [ 46 ]. They conducted a questionnaire ( n = 141) to find adolescents’ peer interactions that promote healthy or toxic affective-sexual relationships and conducted five communicative focus groups with boys and girls. They found that the impact of sharing evidence of the adverse effects of toxic relationships with violent masculinities on health with adolescents produced a transformation of the peer group. In particular, non-violent boys gained self-confidence and girls reoriented or reinforced their attraction to non-violent boys.

Therefore, dialogue spaces that deal with love or affective-sexual relationships can generate a change in choices and tastes that can enhance toxicity-free relationships. Despite all the scientific contributions made to date, it is still unknown how science-based dialogic interactions overcome the negative impact of fiction series on the socialisation of toxic relationships. The question that this research seeks to clarify is whether the interactions with young consumers of this audiovisual content, through the use of scientific evidence in the discussion, can help them to avoid the mental and physical health effects caused by toxic relationships. Knowing whether this type of interaction produces a change in young people will help to eradicate toxic relationships and avoid the health problems caused. To do this, we used for our research the series Sex Education , one of the most-watched series of adolescents today. In order to identify how dialogic interactions on fiction series help to identify toxic relationships that cause health consequences, we started with analysis of one of the stories represented in Sex Education , where the boy identified as having Dominant Traditional Masculinity treats badly both a girl and a boy with whom he has or has had affective-sexual relationships and the consequences of them on health of both the girl and the boy.

2. Materials and Methods

Communicative Methodology [ 55 , 56 ] has been applied in this research, as it includes the voices of the people investigated throughout the process on topics such as communication and health, with the aim of fostering a transformative impact on the research subjects themselves [ 57 ].

We started by watching seasons 1, 2, and 3 of the series Sex Education in order to know the characters and their relationships, then we started the review by carrying out a communicative content analysis of the first season of the fictional series Sex Education , broadcast by Netflix. Subsequently, communicative focus groups with a communicative orientation were conducted with young girls and boys in relation to two toxic relationships that appear in the eight episodes of the series. Figure 1 shows the data collection process established for this research.

An external file that holds a picture, illustration, etc.
Object name is ijerph-19-03316-g001.jpg

Flowchart of the Data Collection and Analysis process.

2.1. Communicative Content Analysis Data Collection

For this study, we first conducted a communicative content analysis [ 58 ] of the first eight episodes of the series. To analyse them, the research team previously watched the three seasons of the fiction series (24 episodes) in order to find out about the affective-sexual relationships that appear throughout the series. Once the affective-sexual relationships were identified, we proceeded to analyze the male characters who meet the characteristics of traditional masculinity, that is, who inflict physical, mental, or sexual harm or suffering, threats to commit such acts, coercion, and other forms of deprivation of liberty on the person with whom he establishes the affective-sexual relationship. In this case, the character of Adam, who assaults and intimidates other people and has very few academic prospects, represents toxic masculinity. Adam is a character who, in the second season, thinks he may be bisexual and has two affective-sexual relationships. The first relationship is heterosexual, with Aimee, a popular high school girl. The second relationship is a homosexual relationship with Eric, a boy who openly says he is homosexual and who is harassed by Adam.

2.2. Analysis of Sex Education

The chapters were analyzed in November 2021 with the MAXQDA program, specifically the scenes where the two affective-sexual relationships established by the three characters mentioned in the previous point were visualised or discussed. A researcher, who was trained in this type of analysis, made three visualisations for each of the chapters and categorised those scenes that produced consequences on health (see Table 1 ). The subcategories were Mental Health and Physical Health. This category and subcategory were previously subtracted from the scientific literature. Once analysed, they were supervised by another member of the research team and discussed with the research team. As a result of the dialogue between the researchers, the final content analysis was confirmed and the first results were obtained.

Category and subcategories of Communicative Content Analysis.

Category	Subcategory	Description
Consequence on Health	Mental Health	It refers to the mental health consequences of being in an affective-sexual relationship with a DTM.
Consequence on Health	Physical Health	It refers to the physical health consequences of being in an affective-sexual relationship with a DTM.

2.3. Communicative Interview Data Collection

Immediately after obtaining the results of the Communicative Content Analysis, we selected two girls and two boys aged 16–24 who consume series on the online platform to whom we asked questions such as “Do you think that the health consequences of being with a partner who is a Dominant Traditional Masculinity are adequately reflected in fiction series?” In addition, four Communicative Interviews were conducted to see what discourse they had about the health consequences of toxic relationships. Table 2 shows the profiles of the interviewees through the Communicative Interview.

Profiles of the interviewees through the Communicative Interviews.

Anonymised Code (Interviewees)	Age
Nancy	19
Abraham	16
Jon	20
Maria	21

The young people and the parents of the minor were previously informed and signed or orally reported ethical consent, which was previously passed by the Ethics Commission of the CREA (Community of Research on Excellent for All) and obtained the reference number 20211228. In this way, this research adheres to international ethical standards related to data collection. The data from the Communicative Interviews were appropriately coded and anonymised.

In these interviews, a researcher discussed with the young people the results obtained from the scientific literature and the content analysis in this study. Based on this information, the interviewees watched two videos with scenes from the first season of the series, specifically the relationship between Adam and Aimee first and between Adam and Eric second. Interviewees reflected on the two relationships and their impact on health. The interviews were recorded and a verbatim transcript of the young people’s contributions was made.

2.4. Communicative Interviews Analysis

The Communicative Interviews were then analysed in the previously mentioned research programme. In this case, the categories have emerged from the theoretical contributions made with the object of study and have included the interpretation orientation of the analysis of the applied methodology [ 55 ]. Therefore, the analysis of the contributions of the young people interviewed focused on the following: on one hand, on the verbal language that does not relate DTM to negative health consequences, referred to as exclusion, and on the other hand, on the verbal language that identifies the relationship displaying DTM with negative health consequences or healthy relationships with positive health consequences, referred to as transformative (see Table 3 ).

Categories of Communicative Interviews.

Categories	Description
Exclusion	The verbal language does not relate DTM to negative health consequences.
Transformation	The verbal language does relate the relationship displaying DTM with negative health consequences or healthy relationships with positive health consequences.

The dialogic interactions with scientific contributions and the experiences lived by the group of young people have favoured the contribution to overcoming and detecting toxic affective-sexual relationships that cause negative effects on health.

The results obtained by each of the research tools are shown below.

3.1. Results of the Content Analysis

In the first season of the fiction series, there are 28 scenes in which the health consequences of having a toxic affective-sexual relationship displaying traditional dominant masculinity appear. Of these scenes, 21 are linked to Adam’s relationship with Eric, while seven are related to Adam’s relationship with Aimee (see Figure 2 ).

An external file that holds a picture, illustration, etc.
Object name is ijerph-19-03316-g002.jpg

Results concerning the affective-sexual relationships analysed.

Adam’s affective-sexual relationship with Aimee is a stable relationship, but lasts exactly until the second episode of the season. However, after ending their relationship, Adam starts beating the boys who are related to Aimee. First, in the second episode, he beats up a guy she was flirting with at a party. Then, in the seventh episode, he hits Aimee’s then-boyfriend. The relationship is not a healthy one. Specifically, Aimee appears in seven scenes where we see the negative consequences for her mental health. The protagonist has sexual insecurities, feels uncomfortable with Adam’s insistence on wanting to be invited to the party she organises, and suffers stress and anxiety when she learns that her ex-boyfriend violently entered her house without her consent and when he starts hitting the boys with whom Aimee has some kind of affective-sexual relationship. Thus, although the protagonist of this relationship has not suffered physical violence, the two boys with whom she had some kind of affective-sexual relationship have suffered it.

Adam’s affective-sexual relationship with Eric is a toxic relationship from the first chapter to the last episode analysed (see Figure 3 ). Eric is a victim of harassment by Adam, both mental and physical. This relationship causes the victim to live in situations of continuous violence, specifically in 21 scenes in which the consequences on health are seen, 21 to mental health, among which there are four scenes in which there are also consequences on physical health.

An external file that holds a picture, illustration, etc.
Object name is ijerph-19-03316-g003.jpg

Main results on the negative health consequences of Adam and Eric’s affective-sexual relationships.

The scenes where the victim is seen to have mental health effects are related to feelings of sadness or discouragement, confused thoughts about Adam’s behaviours, excessive worries or fears about any event that links the two of them, and occasional excessive anger with the people around them. His mental situation sometimes pushes him to the edge, especially when problems with his best friend or issues of his sexual identity get mixed up. Within the scenes of consequences experienced by the protagonist of this relationship, the mental and physical consequences are mixed in four scenes. Situations of physical violence are related to physical health effects such as battering and also to the mental health consequences discussed earlier in this paragraph. It should be noted that one of the most violent scenes, both physically and mentally, ended with a sexual intercourse in which the victim felt pleasure.

3.2. Transformation through Science-Based Dialogic Interaction

The interviewees state that they do not usually talk about the affective-sexual relationships depicted in the series with their friends. However, they may do so at some point with a close relative. However, they point out that it is not an act that is carried out frequently, and if it is, it is not with scientific information about affective-sexual relationships and the effects on health.

Two of the people interviewed who had followed the series said that the first time they watched the series, they liked it, mainly because it talked about sexual topics that are taboo, such as sexual practices or diseases.

“The first season, I liked it a lot because it began to bring to light the whole issue of problems that can occur when having sex or diseases or how to remove the taboo a little bit” (Maria).

However, when asked if they knew about toxic relationships, they only remembered Adam and Eric’s relationship. According to them, the character could generate this aggressiveness because he could have problems recognising himself as homosexual because he had a traditional father or because society has made him aggressive. At the beginning of the interview, one of the girls interviewed pointed out that society is responsible for this aggressiveness for not letting him be the way he is, homosexual. “I think he is aggressive because of what society has done to Adam, for not letting him be the way he is” (Maria).

The young people have become more aware of toxic relationships and their effects on health after learning about the scientific information provided during the interview, especially when identifying Adam’s DTM, the health effects of aggressive masculinity, the socialisation capacity of the series in young people, and the existence of this type of relationship in their environment.

After watching the two videos of the two affective-sexual relationships analysed, all four young people detected Adam’s DTM, mainly because of his aggressiveness against the boys with whom Aimee and Eric have relationships. One of the boys interviewed identifies the character’s DTM and further adds that the aggressiveness is Adam’s own fault for being jealous. “Adam is a traditional dominant masculinity. Neither Aimee nor Eric is to blame, it is Adam’s own fault because he is jealous” (Jon). All four interviewees identified this type of masculinity in actual cases that they know of in real relationships in their environments, be those of family, friends, or acquaintances. One of the girls mentioned how she knows of close relationships which are toxic in which the partner is controlled or ordered not to talk to the opposite sex. “Yes, I have heard in relatives of mine where they tell their partners that as long as we are together, don’t talk to the opposite sex” (Nancy).

The young people interviewed identified the health consequences of being in a relationship with Adam. One of the boys pointed out health problems seen in the case of Aimee and Eric and pointed out that they were getting worse and worse. “Eric’s health is getting worse and worse. You can also see it in the other girl” (Jon). This identification allowed them to analyse the relationships they know in real life. Remarkably, one of the boys interviewed explained how he has friends who have told him that having relationships like this makes them tired, disconcerted, and sick. “I have had people who over time it has affected them physically. They are more tired, or they don’t know what to do and of course, in the end, it affects you everywhere. There are people who get sick”. (Abraham).

At the same time, the young people interviewed talked about how watching these series can further socialise violence in relationships, whether heterosexual or homosexual. One of the girls interviewed pointed out that these chapters of violence are given in the series as something normal, and the audience doesn’t realise it. “It is presented as something very normal, very good, nothing happens, but if you analyse it a little, it is very hard” (Maria). That is why they pointed out that audiovisual professionals should make these relationships not normal and not present them as “cool”. One of the boys pointed out that audiovisual productions should not add attractiveness or show normalisation of toxic relationships. “To begin with, the series should not show that these relationships are cool or normal, especially because not all of them are like that” (Abraham).

These dialogical interactions with scientists and young people have helped them to more easily identify violent relationships and their effects on health. Therefore, they point out that it is important to talk about these issues, but on a scientific basis. One of the interviewees mentioned that these issues should be discussed with professionals or have a scientific basis. “I think these issues should be discussed with a professional or scientist” (Jon).

4. Discussion

The evidence-based dialogical interactions with the young people interviewed have contributed to reflection and dialogue about toxic relationships and their effects on health. This dialogue based on scientific evidence has provided tools to analyse and identify this problem that appears both in the series and in real life. This corroborates that dialogue about healthy and toxic relationships can promote change and improvement in young people towards healthy relationships [ 35 , 54 ].

Science-based dialogues allow for the expansion of knowledge that they did not previously have about toxic relationships and their effects on health, which is not accomplished through other types of interactions, so bringing science to citizens can provide greater critical capacity and media literacy because it is not just about having interactions, but about having quality interactions based on science.

Serials have an impact on the socialisation of young people [ 15 ], especially on sexual behaviours [ 16 ]. Sex Education , while providing information on sexual practice or technique [ 23 ], does not discuss with whom to have healthy and violent-free relationships nor does it discuss or condemn Adam’s aggressive behaviour, which can socialise young people into gender-based violence. So although the series wants to break sexual taboos, it continues to reproduce the same behaviours, attraction, and violence in affective-sexual relationships as other series [ 26 , 27 , 28 ].

Young people who interact with scientists on the subject of contact with science in sexual and emotional relationships and health issues can provide young people with a tool that allows them to analyse and identify DTM [ 34 , 40 ] and so allows them to differentiate unhealthy relationships from healthy ones. This is an identification that, in addition to applying to relationships in fiction, can also be applied in real life, as the young people interviewed in this research have.

Therefore, fostering science-based dialogical interactions among young people and the communicative analysis of audiovisual products favours the critical capacity of boys and girls regarding the affective-sexual relationships they have and those of people around them. Talking about and seeing through series such as Sex Education the physical and mental health problems generated by toxic relationships provokes rejection in all young people. Therefore, the promotion of spaces between science and young people can favour the prevention of illnesses, as well as gender violence.

This research advances the knowledge between affective-sexual relationships and health in audiovisual products. At the same time, it helps young people to transform their relationships and those around them. However, it would be necessary to go further in future research with more young people and analyse the impact on socialisation in affective-sexual relationships of series that promote healthy relationships with NAM men and their effects on health.

5. Conclusions

Science-based dialogic interactions with young people about relationships and health facilitate the identification of DTM, toxic relationships, and their effects on health, n identification that can contribute to overcoming toxic relationships, and thus violence in relationships.

Therefore, it would be advisable for these dialogical interactions between young people and science on love and health to be promoted in those spaces where young people spend most of their time, such as educational centres. It is also observed that audiovisual productions such as fiction series should promote these spaces for reflection in order to provoke the audience’s thinking and critical capacity.

Author Contributions

Conceptualization, E.O. and C.M.P.; methodology, C.M.P.; formal analysis, B.V.-C.; writing—original draft preparation, B.V.-C.; data curation; B.V.-C.; review and editing, C.M.P. and H.Z.-E.; funding acquisition, E.O. All authors have read and agreed to the published version of the manuscript.

This research received no external funding.

Institutional Review Board Statement

The study was conducted according to the guidelines of the Declaration of Helsinki and approved by the Ethical Board of the Community of Researchers on Excellence for All with the reference number 20211228.

Informed Consent Statement

Informed consent was obtained from all subjects involved in the study.

Data Availability Statement

Conflicts of interest.

The authors declare no conflict of interest.

Publisher’s Note: MDPI stays neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

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